Bite School 2: Bite Squad – review

Director: James Balsamo

Release date: 2025

Contains spoilers

To get the chronology right, this is a 2025 sequel to James Balsamo’s 2015 film Bite School (at the beginning of this Balsamo’s character Tony meets briefly meets the character George and they say that it’s been 10-years). It is subtitled on some of the artwork as Bite Squad and on others as From Dusk Til Bong, which was a 2022 Balsamo flick which also featured his Tony character. All three films are in the Blu-Ray set “James Balsamo’s Thrilling Three Pack”.

Robo Dracula (whole)

When I reviewed Bite School, I said “This is not a good film, by that I mean as a piece of cinema it does not rank particularly high. However, it doesn’t try to rank high either.” This is just as true of this, if not more so. Tony and George meet in a garden (the sets are very limited in this) and observe a group of vampires with a naked sacrifice. The head vampire is speaking tech speak and has the head of Robot Dracula (Joe Castro). Wires attach (and enter) the sacrifice and draw her energy to bring him new life.

Camazotz

Tony is the chosen one, who will destroy Robo-Dracula with help from the bite squad and the film is filled with talking head interviews as a mockumentary being filmed by someone in the school at the centre of the first film. There are, therefore, plenty of excuses for cameos of musicians and genre stars. Before he can get Robo-Dracula there are other head vampires he must destroy – starting with Mayan bat God Camazotz. In a sequence that involves Lamb of God’s Randy Blythe having his flesh stripped by drawn bats, Tony whips Camazotz but, rather than destroy it, uses it as a ride.

Mimeula

Following that we get him going to France to take on Mimeula (Stu Silverman) a vampire who turns a woman into a mime when he bites her. He also goes to Germany to defeat Krampus – yup Krampus is a vampire in this. This sequence of the three head vampires takes less than ten minutes of film time. We get a scene with Vlad Ţepeş, back in the day, being bitten by a skeletal bat creature and thus becoming a vampire (who will eventually be Robo-Dracula). 

Krampus

There really isn’t much else when it comes to story. It is just gags, low budget props (cardboard circular sawblades, for instance) and a parade of characters and cameos. Yet, still, Balsamo is having a hoot – as are many of those in it. It failed, however, to keep my attention as well as the first one (probably because the story was even thinner than the previous). 3 out of 10 but, again, like the first film it is more than the sum of its score (though perhaps closer this time round) and James Balsamo fans will know what they’re getting and enjoy it.

The imdb page is here.

On Blu-Ray @ Amazon US

Four Nights in Fear Forest – review

Director: Mark Polonia

Release date: 2024*

Contains spoilers

*2024 according to IMDb, however the Blu-ray came out in 2025 and the copyright on the film says 2025

I’ve generally not held the work of the Polonia brothers in high regard, as pieces of cinema, they are definitely at the low-budget end of the spectrum. However, they have a place and a fandom and, I have to admit, I participated in the crowdsourcing of this film. The Blu-ray perk recently arrived and from there comes my review. It does need noting that there isn’t actually a vampire in this – rather an animatronic of Dracula (Jeff Kirkendall, Shadow Tracker: Vampire Hunter, The Temptress, 3 to Murder, Bloodlust & Sharkula).

animatronics

Animatronics is a good place to start as the film title clearly apes Five Nights at Feddy’s, and the plot apes the recent rash of AI gone bad/possessed animatronic slashers. What causes the four monster animatronics to go bad isn’t definitively explored. They are at a Haunt called Fear Forest (we get a lot of documentary guest comments on the place, too many perhaps) and there is a flashback scene to 1995 where there were a group of kids killed and that is put down to satanists but, whether they managed to have the animatronics possessed is debatable. They are noted for random (dangerous) movements beyond that, mention is made of the genius builder of them (and so it could be down to him) and we also get a lightning strike in the contemporary timeline that seems to bring them to life.

prisoners

The contemporary timeline sees Fear Forest shutting down and park owner Malachi Bones (also Jeff Kirkendall) is working with prisoner rehabilitation to remove the exhibits. To that end Emma Brown (Yolie Canales, also Sharkula) has brought a group of prisoners to the theme park and their four days at the park will end or knock time off their sentences. They are Serenity (Greta Volkova, Tales of Dracula), Luca (Tim Hatch, Terror of the Master, also 3 to Murder, Shadow Tracker: Vampire Hunter, The Temptress & Sharkula), Skylar (Jamie Morgan, also Sharkula) and Caleb (Michael Korotitsch, also The Temptress & Sharkula). Because of their prisoner status, and because Skylar plans on running, the threat of the killer animatronics does not come immediately to light.

Dracula

I’ve mentioned that Kirkendall also plays the Dracula animatronic but the others are also played by one or more of the central cast. So, Greta Volkova and Michael Korotitsch both play the Mummy, Jamie Morgan plays the Bride and Tim Hatch plays the wolfman. The animatronics look rubbish (replete with cheap Halloween masks) but, other than comments on the exquisite craftmanship, that doesn’t matter – you can imagine them in a cheap end Haunt. The film is pretty much a slasher and it is only the fact that it is styled after a vampire that gets it onto the TMtV radar.

Jeff Kirkendall as Malachi Bones

Now I mentioned the Polonia brothers’ films at the head of the review and, startlingly, this turned out to be one of the better ones that I've seen. It doesn’t make it good cinema but it flowed that bit better. There are issues that could have been avoided; Michael Korotitsch gave an admirable performance despite the awful fake facial hair, as a for instance. Talking about performances, Jeff Kirkendall gave a weird but deliberately understated performance as the odd Malachi Bones (and the reason he looks the same age as a video from 30-years before is addressed), which was perfectly suited to him and one of the best I've seen from him. There is a place for low budget filmmaking such as this, there is a market for it. If you are part of that market I suspect you’ll get a kick out of this. 3 out of 10 reflects a realistic score but the film remains ideal for that z-grade malarkey.

The imdb page is here.

On DVD @ Amazon US

Goliath and the Vampires – review

Directors: Sergio Corbucci & Giacomo Gentilomo

Release date: 1961

Contains spoilers

In Italy he was called Maciste but in the US dubbed release he became Goliath (Gordon Scott) and this was a sword and sandal flick that I wondered, for a while, as to whether it should actually be a ‘Vamp or Not?’ I decided that it was vampire and didn’t need the investigation but the vampiric element is unusual and fairly small.

shifting rock

But that hardly matters for we are in the totally camp world of heroes and villains, swords and sorcery, and all that jazz. Things begin with Goliath ploughing his field and coming across a boulder in the soil. With a mighty flex he removes the offending item but the field doesn’t get ploughed as his help is called for. Ciro (Rocco Vitolazzi), a young boy, is drowning. Goliath saves him and then takes him home as Ciro’s sister, Guja (Leonora Ruffo, Hercules in the Haunted World), is Goliath’s fiancée.

Amahil leads the raid

They see smoke and Goliath realises their village is under attack. We cut to a protracted scene where the menfolk and old women are cut down by raiders, led by Amahil (Van Aikens), who kidnap the young women. This doesn’t gel later when we hear that menfolk have vanished also, so we’ll assume we didn’t see them captured and they were put in a different ship’s hold! Hercules gets there too late but a survivor tells him they have gone to the island of Salmanak. He swears revenge and rescue and he and Ciro follow.

Magda in the slave market

On ship the women are frightened. Eventually Amahil goes to the hold and bleeds some of the prisoners into a goblet. Guja offers herself but is ignored. This makes the women, bar one called Magda (Annabella Incontrera), turn on her as they think she is to blame. Amahil goes to a cabin and, from behind a screen and out of smoke, we see a hand appear and take the goblet. This is the villain credited as Kobrak the vampire (Guido Celano). Now, later we will hear that he has a robot slave army that he powers on blood but in this scene it appeared that the blood was for him, being in a goblet and all. Perhaps, perhaps not but it is our vampire connection.

summoning Kobrak

Indeed the robot army is actually made up of kidnapped men, their brains destroyed by sound (put in a giant ringing bell) and given a treatment that turns them into living statues. Seemingly these are powered on blood. Why, then, the women are simply sold as slaves at the market in Salmanak rather than transferred as blood stock, is unexplored. Kobrak seems to be able to be summoned in spirit form that becomes solid at will and is described as a sorcerer also.

Kobrak's true face

When we first see him he is in gaudy armour with a big, face-covering helmet. He can shape-shift, which leads to Goliath fighting himself until he pulls away the Goliath mask and reveals Kobrak’s true form – sort of skull like and fanged. The plot twists and turns for a bit, but essentially Kobrak controls a puppet sultan (Mario Feliciani), whilst the true heir to the throne, Kurtik (Jacques Sernas), is leader of some (literally) blue men and Kobrak wants to make Goliath a robot slave to defeat the world… phew…

It’s all very camp and very silly. It isn’t a good movie but, in the right mood, it might be a little bit of what you fancy. However there are better Italian sword and sandal films out there. 3.5 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

Buzz Lightyear of Star Command: Revenge of the Monsters: Review

Directed by: Nicholas Filippi

First Aired: 2000

Contains spoilers

This is yet another Buzz Lightyear (Patrick Warburton) that features the robotic energy vampire NOS-4-A2 (Craig Fergusson).

This time around we begin with outtakes from the episode Wirewolf, enough to remind us that Ty Parsec (Steve Hytner) had been bitten by NOS-4-A2 – itself not an issue due to the fact that he is not a robot. However the unique radiation of the moon Canis Lunis caused him to turn into the robotic wolf, the wirewolf.

The flashback is a projection by robotic ranger XR (Neil Flynn) and the rangers are in a hearing. The commander of Star Command, Nebula (Adam Carolla), decides there is no choice but to relieve Parsec of duty as he may be a danger to others – despite the protests of Buzz’s crew. Suddenly XR’s evil prototype XL (Bob Goldthwait) breaks in to kidnap Parsec. As the Rangers jump on XL, Buzz tells Parsec to run.

Ty does indeed run, straight into the clutches of NOS-4-A2, who places a pendant of Canis Lunis rock around his neck. He transforms into the Wirewolf and NOS-4-A2 hypnotises him into submission. Suddenly the Wirewolf breaks into the chamber and frees XL and with NOS-4-A2 they make their escape. Buzz would be after them but NOS-4-A2 has drained the energy from their ship.

They head to the palace of the evil Emperor Zurg (Wayne Knight), where NOS-4-A2 vampirises the robotic hornet guards and usurps the throne. Zurg is left with the hope that Buzz will save the day (and thus he will be able to take back his empire of evil). Meanwhile XL has to build a weapon, which the wirewolf is a key component. The beam from the weapon will turn those struck into wirewolves also. With half his crew turned it is looking tough for Buzz.

The joy of the episode is it is, again, filled with knowing nods towards standard horror/vampire genre staples. In this case it is the relationship between vampire and werewolf and the werewolf being the tortured soul. It is no big spoiler to say that Buzz saves the day – I won’t spoil exactly how – and through this we get a stake through the heart moment for our robot vampire.

Is this the end for him? It is difficult to say. There are two episodes with NOS-4-A2 that we have not looked at yet, though they might come before this. However, according to IMDb, whilst this episode aired after Wirewolf it was actually from a series prior to that containing Wirewolf… confusing but not a reason to not enjoy this for what it is. 5.5 out of 10, the kids will love it and adults will find it a guilty pleasure too.

The imdb page is here.

Buzz Lightyear of Star Command: NOS-4-A2 – review

Directed by: Nicholas Filippi

First aired: 2000

Contains spoilers

Whilst we looked at the Buzz Lightyear episode Wirewolf as a Honourable Mention, this episode (number 6 of season 1) merited a review as the full episode surrounds the robotic vampire NOS-4-A2 (Craig Ferguson) and, indeed, introduced the character to the show. The episode was viewed when it aired on Disney Cinemagic.

In many respects the series was still finding the feet of the characters, so as to speak, but that didn’t stop them throwing in a good few genre nods within the episode that an adult audience could enjoy.

We start with a cargo ship travelling through space. The villain Warp Darkmatter (Diedrich Bader) raids the ship but his raid is interrupted by Buzz (Patrick Warburton) and his crew. However, due to the inexperienced nature of most of the crew, the arrest doesn’t quite go to plan. It ends with Buzz and Mira (Nicole Sullivan) fighting against Warp, in the hold, over the top of a box that looks suspiciously like a coffin and has NOS-4-A2 written on it. The box absorbs the blast of a plasma cannon and then sucks the energy out of Warp’s hornet robots.

To escape Warp blows up the ship. Buzz and his crew save the box and the autopilot and head to star command. Reporting back to the evil Zurg (Wayne Knight), Warp is shocked to discover that his failure was all part of a devious plan. The box contains Zurg’s latest instrument of evil. On the ship, X-R (Larry Miller) is sent to investigate the box and is attacked by Nos-4-A2. Having been bitten his eyes flash red.

Once at Star Command the box is placed in an energy field. NOS-4-A2 rises and calls upon X-R, who now refers to the robotic vampire as his dark master. He manages to free the vampire who heads straight for the communication console. He uses the voice of Commander Nebula (Adam Carolla) and orders all ships off base to fight a non-existent invasion force. Luckily Buzz realises the deception and heads back.

There are some very nice genre moments that are scattered through the show, not least the fact that the attack on X-R is shown via shadows. Of course this is a nod to Nosferatu, which, of course, the vampire was also named for. The fact that those robots bitten become NOS-4-A2’s slaves was amusing as well.

This has a wider effect as, at one point, he bites Mira. She says that she is okay, he didn’t get through the suit to flesh – but, of course – he didn’t want to. On the contrary he wanted to bite the robotic suit, which develops a mind of its own and attacks the heroes – making Mira a hostage and (via the suit) a slave – luckily she can pass through matter and so escapes. Later we see a whole host of suits attack and they are referred to as zombie suits.

It was amusing to see the change in X-R. It wasn’t just that his eyes turn red. He starts to wear a cloak as well for, as we know, cloak wearing is evil. Whilst, thanks to Hamilton Deane and Bela Lugosi, the cloak has become synonymous with the vampire, the fact that Zurg wears one also kind of tells us it is more a villain thing than a vampire thing. Actually we should also note that uncontrollable maniacal laughter is also a villain thing, something X-R also indulges in post bite.

At the end of the day, however, it is not Buzz who saves the day but X-R, through the help of Booster (Steven Furst). Booster helps X-R remember who he is and then X-R seems to drain the energy out of Nos-4-A2, though exactly what happened there I wasn’t too sure about.

So, some good genre nods though a little tentative around the characters as they were still being developed and their dynamics were still being drawn out. Good fun for the kids, worth a weather eye for the adults. 5.5 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

Honourable Mention: Buzz Lightyear of Star Command: Wirewolf

This was a Steve Loter directed episode, first aired in 2000 and was recently shown on Disney Cinemagic. In a deconstructive sense the existence of this series is quite interesting as it is a spin-off of the Toy Story films and yet, within the Toy Story world it is a traditionally animated cartoon that led to the creation of the Buzz Lightyear toy prior to the first movie. In reality the first three episodes of this were a feature length film where Buzz was voiced by Tim Allen (who voiced Buzz in the movies) but, in order to fit in with the series, he was re-dubbed when aired for TV by Patrick Warburton – who voiced the character through the rest of the series… phew…

Anyway, this episode was in the second series and featured a vampire. Actually I was rather taken by the idea that the vampire was called Nos-4-A2 (Craig Ferguson, who played a vampire in the flick Modern Vampires). Obviously named after Nosferatu, he is a robotic vampire who feeds on the energy of other robots. In doing a little research, after watching the episode, it appears that Nos-4-A2 appeared in 5 episodes (of which this is the fourth). In this his presence is more a catalyst for the main adventure with the wirewolf (read werewolf).

Ty Parsec (Steve Hytner) has been assigned to the planet Canis Lunis, where the Star Command have a top secret facility that gathers radiation from the moon and converts it to energy. It is a place where nothing ever seems to happen. He is patrolling with a couple of sentry robots (both voiced by Dan Castellaneta, Homer Simpson himself, who was a vampire hunter in Bart Simpson’s Dracula) when something stirs.

It swoops from the air, taking out one of the sentry robots. Ty finds it behind a bush, feeding. It swoops at him but he fires a laser, scaring it off. He calls it in to Star Command, saying that he has the situation under control but the dying robot grabs the communicator and yells that it is an energy vampire and that they should send backup. Now, because the attacks are robot on robot they can be somewhat more explicit in the vampire feeding than perhaps in other kids’ shows.

Backup is in the form of Buzz and his crew, Mira (Nicole Sullivan), Booster (Stephen Furst) and XR (Larry Miller). The crew have faced Nos-4-A2 before and he his used his robotic mojo on XR and made the small robot his slave. Buzz’s presence could not be worse for Ty as they went to the Academy together and Buzz is always rescuing him. They check the dead robot (in a typical vampire film scene, and we should note that robots obviously have their power packs in approximately the neck area) and then go vampire hunting.

Long story short Ty and the vampire end up tussling and Buzz turns the energy beam on them – to try and rescue Ty – and whilst in the beam Nos-4-A2 bites Ty – to the amusing play on the infamous line, “eugh… I never drink blood”. This is, other than a brief appearance in the episode coda, the last we see of the vampire but he has left a legacy.

Whenever the radioactive moon comes out a strange transformation occurs, wires sprout and Ty turns into a robotic wolfen killing machine – the wirewolf. The idea that the vampire bite would create a werewolf – albeit a robot vampire and a robot werewolf – was unusual and adds a new facet, a footnote if you like, to the werewolf/vampire synergy.

The episode itself was actually really worth catching. There were knowing genre nods but even more knowing sci-fi nods that seemed specifically added for the parents of the target audience. I’ll certainly be keeping me eye out for the other 4 episodes featuring Nos-4-A2, which are entitled: “Revenge of the Monsters”, “The Slayer”, “Dirty Work” and “NOS-4-A2”. This episode’s imdb page is here.

Honourable Mentions: Chabelo y Pepito contra los Monstrous

You know, I’m rather glad that this 1973 family movie from Mexico, directed by José Estrada, is getting an honourable mention because if I were reviewing it I wouldn’t know where to start. Seriously, this is bizarre.

The film starts with what appears to be a man, Chabelo (Javier López), and a boy, Pepito, playing war. The scene is inter-cut with stock battle footage (which, it becomes apparent, are from a war movie on TV). A girl, Pepito’s sister Alicia (Silvia Pasquel), enters the room and gets a bucket of water on her head.

It becomes readily apparent, however, that Chabelo is not a man, but a child and this is where things becomes very bizarre indeed. The character Chabelo is meant to be slightly younger than his cousin Pepito but huge. Why so big? The film blames his metabolism and an on-running gag through the film is just how much Chabelo must eat and how he feels he will die if no food is available.

From what I can ascertain, Javier López spent much of his career acting as the child character Chabelo. His voice is high pitched [edited due to comments] and actually his own voice, without sound effects used. There is something disconcerting about a grown man acting as a child amongst children and yet the feeling I got through the film was it was done with all innocence. For UK readers, I hate to say it, but think Jimmy Krankie without the cross-dressing!

Anyway, Chabelo and Pepito are to go camping with their scout troop. Their leader is Geraldo, Alicia’s boyfriend. On the march to the camp the troop help fix a cart with a lost wheel but, when the owner emerges from beneath the cart, he seems monstrous and warns the troops of the woods as it contains the Devil’s House, the place where Satan keeps his treasure.

Unfortunately for Pepito (in particular), Alicia is coming to spend the night at the camp – as it will help with her biology dissertation! This causes Pepito to feel that he has lost face with his fellow scouts and he persuades Chabelo to go with him to find the devil’s house. The first obstacle in their path happens to be an escaped gorilla (who mistakes Chabelo for one of his own given his size). Of course the scouts start looking for the ‘lost’ boys.

As it is, in escaping the gorilla, Chabelo and Pepito end up in a cave system and come face to face with all sorts of monsters. The first thing they come across is an Egyptian sarcophagus. Chabelo persuades his cousin that it must contain riches and so they open it. Rather than riches it contains a mummy – as it would. They try to put rocks on the lid to trap it but find themselves having to escape its clutches.

This then leads them to a rather scream-happy creature from the black lagoon and, around the same time, the appearance of Frankenstein’s Monster – incorrectly named Frankenstein. There is actually a bit of a monster mash type fight between the gorilla and both the creature and the monster. Later on we also get the wolfman.

As things go on they come across metal masked guards – whom we realise quickly are probably robots. One has to ask the question, at that point, as to why robots would carry burning torches to light their way – but there you go. Of course the boys quickly run out of provisions and thus there is many a scene of Chabelo complaining that he is going to die (and trying to eat hay).

The tunnels lead to a house and within there they come across Dracula. It is a brief appearance and not the first time vampires are mentioned. In the caves, some bats fly around and the boys panic thinking vampires – but they are ordinary bats. Pepito holds up a cross but Dracula knocks it out of his hand and manages to defeat Dracula by suggesting to Chabelo that vampire’s are edible – causing the vampire to flee from Chabelo’s voracious appetite.

This incident actually makes Pepito think – why would a vampire not be scared of the cross – and he realises something fishy is going on. It transpires that all the monsters are robots and the real enemies are a couple of men (one looking like a cross between Blofeld and a typical super-villain). There is a touch of the mad scientist, especially around the transplanting of brains to make robots, a touch of James Bond and even a hint of Scooby Doo.

Absolutely bizarre, I swear I have never seen anything quite like this one.

The imdb page is here.