Bite School – review

Director: James Balsamo

Release date: 2015

Contains spoilers

This is not a good film, by that I mean as a piece of cinema it does not rank particularly high. However, it doesn’t try to rank high either. This film is about director and star James Balsamo (Macabre Pair of Shorts & Bloodsucka Jones Vs the Creeping Death) having fun and hanging out with a whole bunch of cult genre stars, metal musicians and porn stars (another horror appearance for Ron Jeremy). As such do not expect high art, cinematic competence or a high score. However, don’t judge it harshly on the score I give either – when taken as it is, this is a beer and pizza special.

James Balsamo meeting Ron

The story is pretty darn simple but I should mention the off-kilter Robert Palmer rip-off theme, Addicted to Blood, over colourful animation. Anyway, Tony Canoni (Balsamo) is an obnoxious multi-billionaire (actually his status vacillated between billionaire and millionaire) who is suddenly announced as broke. His girlfriend cookie (Sarah Martin) immediately dumps him and his grandfather (Herschell Gordon Lewis) declares him cut off until he gets his GED.

meeting at night school

He moves to New York, blows what money he has left at a strip club and desperately tries to borrow money from whatever person he can. He comes across George (Paul Fears) being shaken down by the Lesbian Mafia (who George owes money to), saves him and ends up staying on his couch. In return for the couch space Tony will pay off George’s debt… once they get their GEDs. Also in the mix is Vicky (Mandy Cat Kitana) a bored vampire who lives with an Hawaiian shirt wearing bat named Spat, and who decides to go to night school also.

Edward X. Young as Cladu

Vicky is the daughter of Count Cladu (Edward X. Young, Mr Hush & Mr Hush Legacy), who expects her to take her legacy as ruler and priestess of the night – which she has no interest in. There are also a load of misfit characters appearing through the film who come together at the end including ambitious vampire Veronica (Veronica Freeman) and Vinny the Vampire Slayer (Frank Mullen), who has a stake firing case that might have come straight out of El Mariachi if it had been a vampire film. 

covered in blood

So, the story is fractured, the humour often based on gross out or Tony being obnoxious but it works because the guys in it are having fun. The effects vary – the two headed bat/snake monster is strange to say the least, we get beheadings galore more often concentrating on neck stump rather than head, and quite a large amount of fake blood. There are a trio of priests and one has a dual flying guillotine that looks nothing like it should and doesn’t try to. The sound mix is, frankly, terrible. 3 out of 10 is probably fair but the film punches above that weight simply because of the fun being had.

The imdb page is here.

On DVD @ Amazon US

On DVD @ Amazon UK