Treasure Chest of Horrors – review

Directors: M. Kelley, Shawn C. Phillips & Doug Waugh

Release date: 2012

Contains spoilers

In a recent comment, on a poor film that I reviewed, friend of the blog Alex asked, “Jesus. How do you get the energy to watch these things?” and sometimes I wonder, I really do.

This is a portmanteau film – with the wraparound being a pirate (Paymon Seyedi) who finds a treasure of video tapes – the films of this film. However to call them a treasure is a stretch that one might even call a barefaced lie…

The opening section with the pirate made me internally groan. Bad dialogue, bad filming, bad costuming and very, very bad acting. The first section was called Rotten Classmates and if anything it got worse. Luckily the second section was Vampire’s Lust.

cbs

This saw a mom (Kim Phillips) and dad (Stephen Phillips) turn bad acting into something akin to a war-crime as they sent adult son Toby (M. Kelley) to get some milk. On the way back he is attacked by one of the crappiest bats ever. It bites him (with no blood) making him drop the milk. He goes home and has a feverish night’s sleep.

fangs - style 1

In the morning his face is white and his nails black. Yes, he is a vampire. His friend (Shawn C. Phillips) comes to make a horror film whilst offering a performance that makes the mom and dad look like Oscar winners. Continuity went out of the window as Toby’s nail polished fingers become au natural again and then turned black again later. That night he meets the Count – who turned him – and the next day he eats a boy scout (Ethan Phillips). He is about to eat Colin when his friend suggests he eats bad guys and Colin will film it. Fin.

fangs - style 2

Changing fang styles, nail polished fingers, no real story, bad dialogue and really bad performances. You might wonder why I said luckily the second section was Vampire’s Lust. That was because I just skimmed through the next two (non-vampire) sections as I did not have the energy to watch them. A waste of time, plastic and money – one to avoid like the plague (though the Amazon link is below, should you be tempted to ignore my advice).

0 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.