Child of a Dead God – review

Authors: Barb and JC Hendee

First published: 2008

Contains spoilers

The Blurb: Blood flows where destiny calls.

For years, Magiere and Leesil have sought a long-forgotten artefact, even though its purpose has been shrouded in mystery. All Magiere knows is that she must keep the orb from her murderous half-brother Welstiel, one of the lethal so-called Noble Dead. And now, dreams of a castle locked in ice leads her south – on a journey that has become nothing less than an obsession.

Among Magiere’s protectors are two elven assassins-turned-guardians who must fight their mistrust of this sister of the dead. Forces more powerful than they are also rallying around Magiere, arming her for conflict. And finding the orb may be just the start of the dangers that await.

The review: This is the last book of the Noble Dead series, ish… This is, according to the official website, the final book of Series 1. Series 2 begins with the book “In Shade and Shadow” and, whilst still part of the greater storyline, is set on another continent, with a different set of protagonists and antagonists. This is, of course, the problem/joy with/of so called “High Fantasy” – the series go on and on and on…

Not an issue, of course, when you are committed to the series – so long as the quality remains consistent – and in this latest volume not only is the quality consistent but the book also closes off the primary on-running saga (with enough mystery remaining to allow re-visitation of the primary themes in Series 2). However, when it comes to the microcosmic conflict – that between Magiere and Welsteil, things are closed off nicely.

The vampires are less sidelined in this volume than they were in the previous book, Rebel Fey, and we get some nice undead moments. For instance; the creation of feral vampires to be used as shock troops by their more rational creators and also the idea of the vampires’ dead flesh freezing when in the mountains, but their undead nature not offering them pain to warn them of the cold’s effect. We also meet a millennia old vampire whose age, and the years spent alone, have caused her to forget the sound and form of words.

It all adds to a nice conclusion to the saga – though, as suggested, the saga has not ended but shifted. This is not particularly accessible to those who have not read the previous 5 books, unfortunately, but I would suggest – if you are looking for a mix of vampires and fantasy – searching out book 1, Dhampir, and giving the series a go. 7 out of 10.

Commercial Vampire – Delissio Pizza

It’s been a little while since we had a vampire commercial break and so, for those who don’t know, these adverts just prove my point that vampires get everywhere. We are avoiding the Volvo/Twilight ads – just because it is hardly surprising that there is a commercial aspect in respect of Twilight.

That said, using a vampire in an ad for pizza with garlic crust would seem to be a no brainer as well. This has a nice bit of Crap Bat Syndrome to make us feel good about life!

Scarlet Moon – review

Director: Warren F Disbrow

Release date: 2006

Contains spoilers

Just because a film is released on the Troma label does not mean to say it will be dreadful. It’s likely but not a guarantee. For instance, take South African movie Pure Blood – it is far from perfect and yet it is interesting and not the bottom of the cinematic pile. This preamble makes little difference to Scarlet Moon, however, which bucks no label trend and is dreadful.

Something, however, strikes me. I have read descriptions of Warren F Disbrow as being an auteur (also, in the introduction Lloyd Kaufman describes him as the “Fellini of Tromaville” – an insult to Fellini, one feels). Let me say this, being an auteur is neither a good nor a bad thing, it just is. If a director is an auteur and their vision is artistically myopic then the resultant film is still going to be a blurred mess.

The film starts with a naked woman playing with glowing orbs in an occult orientated room – we know it is occult orientated because someone has reproduced Eliphas Lévi’s Baphomet on the wall. She gets naked and sweats. Some credits come on that are interspersed with images of the main vampire character, Andreas (Dominic Gregoria), hitting kids with baseball bats and some nude shots of plot unconnected women and then we get the backstory delivered via voiceover.

Said voiceover tells us about Satan sending three glowing orbs to earth, and the fact that they landed in ancient Egypt where Queen Tara (Denis Marie Kubis) got hold of them. Before I go on, can I just mention that, the unlikely named, Tara is possibly the only ancient Egyptian to have nipple bars and a Brazilian. Anyway the orbs conferred immortality and mystical powers, but their primary function was to give sexual stimulation – think the orgazmatron in Woody Allen’s Sleeper. Eventually, however, she killed herself for no adequately explored reason. That was 3000 BC, it is now 2030 (though if that hadn't been mentioned we would have assumed that the film was contemporary).

A Satanist group led by Edward Crowley (Guy Camilleri) have recreated Tara’s temple (the room with Lévi’s Baphomet, published 1855, is an exact replica of a temple from 3000 BC…) but are missing one element that will give them the power they seek. A giant red diamond called Scarlet Moon.

Now the Satanists have a couple of vampire henchmen, the aforementioned Andreas and the drug addled Smoke (Colin Reynolds). Andreas is not exactly loyal to the Satanists. He wants Crowley’s woman, Muldavia (Francesca Chirelli), who cannot stand him, and wants the power of Scarlet Moon for himself. He also has a vampire friend called Satanya (Annie Donato), a flower child who was turned and has remained an artist.

Now, at first I wondered at the white powder that adorned the faces of Andreas and Smoke – was this really bad makeup effects for the undead. It seems not, it is just an affectation of the characters as the other vampires in film do not have the same makeup. We see no fangs, and whilst we see a turning – which I’ll get to – the point of them being vampires is minimal.

Anyway, Andreas goes to the prostitutes Slash (Jennifer Wilder), Slice (Amy Buzin) and Dice (Maggie Willard) to find where the diamond is. The Satanists obviously haven’t looked too hard as they are able to tell him, so long as he turns them – Satanya has it. He slits their throats with a knife. Later he goes to a morgue and revives them as vampires and the mildly interesting point is they can be turned posthumously. He can’t attack Satanya, she’s family, and so starts a convoluted and very boring attempt to gain the diamond that culminates in him going in her house, when she’s out, finding it and stealing it.

Meanwhile the Government, represented by the General (Forrest J Ackerman), pull one Professor Herz (Warren Disbrow Sr) out of retirement to take on the vampires. Through him we discover they fear crosses, allegedly – and this introduces us to one of the more original ideas. A vampire named Keiler (Robert Uhrman) actually met Christ (John Furey) and has a house adorned with crucifixes, only drinks animal blood and goes to church. As I say original but actually fairly throwaway. We also disover that Satanya paints in blood, not the newest idea, and literally taps into a live victim for it - an idea (in respect of the tap) already seen in the portmanteau movie Vault of Horror.

This looks dreadful – for a disc that purports to be an “unrated director’s cut special collectors edition”, and Kaufman claims is digitally re-mastered, we grasp at the poor transfer. The filming quality was low; Disbrow’s auteur vision didn’t include good lighting it seems and, for a film shot when it was, the film seems to have been recorded to tape, rather than digitally. A glitch within film seems to say that to me, at least. I guess I could watch the feature length ‘making of’ to find out for definite, but the film was painful enough.

There is more use of stock footage than the average Edward D Wood Jr film – though in main it is in context, which is a bonus. When Satanya gets jetted around the world stock footage is used to indicate where they might be before cutting to pokey 3 foot by three ‘stages’ for the ‘acting’. Acting is in inverted commas because there really isn’t a good performance in the film. Plot holes, when you can spot the plot, and anachronisms litter the film, but ultimately it is so poor, who cares? The director/writer apparently didn’t.

I can’t really think of a good thing to say about this – other than the Christian vampire was interesting – and so I’ll shut up now. Avoid. 0.5 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

Pinocchio Vampire slayer – review

Written by: Van Jensen

Drawn by: Dusty Higgins

First published: 2009

Contains spoilers

The Blurb: Vampires overrun the peaceful town of Nasolungo, and the only one who is willing to fight them (and even believe they exist) is Pinocchio, the little wooden boy of fairy tale fame. But this is not the Pinocchio you might remember. A growing nose that is a never-ending stake supply and his desire to avenge the death of his beloved father Geppetto make him the perfect vampire impaler.

With Master Cherry the Carpenter and the Blue Fairy, who is a little older and greyer than she used to be, Pinocchio protects the town from an undead menace and discovers that the vampires have a deeper agenda than the mere sucking of blood.

The review: At first glance this might seem a little gimmicky but there is a lot to appreciate in Pinocchio Vampire Slayer. Jensen and Higgins take their lead from Carlo Collodi’s original story and, indeed, give a brief resume of events within the original for those who have only experienced the sanitised Disney version.

That is not to say that they, themselves, do not enter into anachronism with their writing. Modern phrases pepper the dialogue but it was not an authentic language they aimed for but a replication of the dark heart of the original story. Whilst the original tale was a an allegory of society, events within the story were as dark as any traditional fairy tale – for instance Pinocchio being hung by the neck.

The story is set post the death of Geppetto at the hands of creature who only come out at night and die when pierced through the heart by stakes made from Pinocchio’s expanding nose. Indeed, when fighting, Pinocchio lies to create new weapons, which he then snaps off and uses. Later he discovers that these creatures are vampires and that the wood of his nose not only kills them but, burns them if, say, he scratches the face of one of them with a nose. When they die the vampires turn to dust and thus the townsfolk will not heed Pinocchio’s warnings, as he has no evidence – later when it is mentioned that his nose had not grown when he warned them, the nose lengthening is dismissed as myth.

I did have a little issue with the ending as there was a twist that was fairly obvious, but it is a small complaint. Art wise I rather enjoyed this; the black and white led to a stark landscape that fit the story well. There is, of course, a gimmick level to this – we have to accept that, but the entire thing is greater than the gimmick and this is worth checking out. 6.5 out of 10.

Guru, the Mad Monk – review

Director: Andy Milligan

Release date: 1970

Contains spoilers

We are back in the twisted world of Andy Milligan – the man who brought us the Body Beneath and Blood. Indeed this was filmed in the same year as the Body Beneath and, whilst it is primarily about a corrupt priest, Guru (Neil Flanagan), it also features a vampire called Olga (Jaqueline Webb).

We are at the Lost Souls Church of Mortovia – a central European area that is used as Europe’s prison. There is a church, a dungeon and the priest is there to offer absolution to (and brand) sinners before execution or mutilation. Remember that, as it leads to one of the wtf questions about the film. A girl, Nadja (Judith Israel), is dragged in. The chief warder, Carl (Paul Lieber), is clearly too compassionate to work there in the first instance and then, even worse, he realises he knows her.

Carl and Nadja were in love and then one day she just vanished. It turns out that she was attacked by a band of gypsy thieves and then taken with them and used by the leader. She became pregnant and she gave birth by a roadside but complications led to it being stillborn. A woman accused her of killing the baby, she was arrested, found guilty and has been sent to die. Carl goes to Guru for help.

Guru agrees to help him on the condition that Carl aids Guru. The price for his help will be to body snatch the corpses of the executed to make money for the church. In return Guru will administer a drug to Nadja that will make it look like she has died, they can then sneak her body off, revive her and she and Carl can be together. He needs to get the drug from Olga.

Olga reluctantly gives him the drug but on a condition also. He should leave the bodies of the executed for a while so that she can drain blood off them for her ‘experiments’… of course read into this that she will drink their blood as she is a vampire. Despite Carl’s histrionics they succeed in the plan and Guru insists that Nadja must stay hidden in the church for three months whilst Carl repays his debt.

That would be okay if it wasn’t for her suspicions being aroused as she observes people entering the church but not leaving it. Yes Guru and Olga hunt down the waifs and strays who arrive at the church… such as the busty young lady who ran away from home… remember the wtf moment I mentioned? Why would anyone just happen along to a prison island, as this is meant to be? Which young lady would run away from home to there? Oh well, we haven't even got around to mentioning the fact that Guru is a priest and not a monk, so what is another wtf moment in a Milligan film?

Throw into this the fact that church have decided to replace Guru and the fact that he seems to have multiple personality disorder – having at least a good Guru and bad Guru personality that argue with each other. There is the obligatory Andy Milligan hunchback – Igor (Jack Spencer) – who falls for Nadja and tries to protect her.

As for Olga, she has plastic fangs that we only occasionally see. A stabbing is enough to kill her. She does drink blood and she hypnotises people with her pendant. All in all she isn’t the most lore inspiring vampire but vampire she is. As often happens with a Milligan film, some of the costumes look like they’ve been made from a pair of curtains (and probably were) – and Guru’s formal vestments are no exception.

Like the other Andy Milligan films we have seen there is an earnestness here that stands the film in better stead than it should. This is the worst of the Milligan films we have looked at so far but, despite even its own DVD blurb saying that Milligan’s “movies made Edward D Wood films look like epics”, there is still that something that makes me able to watch Milligan’s stuff with a smile on my face. Of course, it doesn’t change the film’s rubbishy nature, 2 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.