Taintlight – review

Director: Chris Seaver

Release date: 2009

Contains spoilers

This is a spoof of the first Twilight movie and…

It seems Chris Seaver has made a career out of low-budget, straight to home market, spoofs. This just didn’t seem that funny to me. Not because I don’t think Twilight should be spoofed – it clearly is a prime target and the net is full of good, free examples.

Most of those didn’t rely on profanity and cock & pussy gags. Again, not that I am a prude but seriously, you are showing a lack of imagination if that is the only place you can go to.

It starts off with a red-neck trying to poo in the woods, being chased by a pov camera, trying to poo again and being killed pov. Anyway, Stella (Meredith Host) has moved to Bonejack Heights, to stay with her false moustache wearing dad who has incestuous intentions; her mother has succumbed to a bad case of suicide. Back in town she meets up with Jacky, whom she has had certain relations with, and goes to the local school.

There she comes across Edgar Mullins (Kurt Indovina) an obnoxiously cool boy who hangs around with his siblings Rosalis (Miranda Bonetwig) and the half-wit Rathbone (Andrew Baltes) – who, again, are incestuous. She is drawn to Edgar despite the fact that he is abusive.

Into town comes Razor McBleed (Jesse Green), who was by far the funniest person in this and actually made the film (barely) watchable when he came on screen. With his sidekick Raoul (Billy Garberina, Necroville) and newly turned Veronica (Jesse Ames) he aims to destroy the fag-pires (as he calls them), vampires who have no fangs and twinkle.

What is twinkling? When Edgar reveals the secret of his vampiric nature (that Stella was in no way close to guessing) he also reveals that exposure to sunlight has different effects on different vampire clans. For him and his siblings it causes a spontaneous erection (clitoral for the females) and an ejaculation of bubbles – that is twinkling. Throw in a Michael Jackson impersonating werewolf and that is about your lot… bar an unusual staking that I won’t spoil.

Which is a bit of a nasty trick on my part as I also can’t recommend this generally unfunny pile of low-budget, lower-brow “comedy”. I can’t think of anything nice to say, so I’ll say 1 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.