Nosferatu’s Crush – review

Director: Mike M. Burke

Release date: 2006

Contains spoilers


I knew about this micro-budget film but hadn’t seen it to review. When it came up on Amazon Prime I felt a wee bit of dread as I really thought I’d struggle. And true; it’s micro-budget, it was recorded over a couple of weekends, the photography is poor… I could go on, but surprisingly I didn’t struggle as much as I thought – I’ll explain as we go on.

Katie Kyle Roche as victim #1

It starts with an obvious day for night shot (we get plenty of those and they are blooming obvious). One wonders how the young woman (Katie Kyle Roche) out in the woods could see to do her sketching had it actually been night? Anyway, she notices something out there. We see Dracula (Mike M. Burke) lurking and then a fanged female, Electra (Angalisha Marie), lunges towards her. She is found alive by the FBI and has fang wounds on her neck but can’t give them much information.

the funeral home

The FBI agents are Special Agents Green (Lady Altovise) and Kelly (Kristy White). Green is convinced she knows who the perp is. It just so happens that Vladimir Dracula III, direct descendent of Vlad Ţepeş, lives and works from the Three Brides Funeral Home. Of course she has no evidence and so, to fend her off, Vlad engages the services of attorney Rebekah Smart (Malissa Longo). When she comes to see him, Vlad develops a crush on her – despite boyfriend Tony (John Gaydos) being an aggressive idiot.

Angalisha Marie as Electra

Eventually one of the victims is killed – this is because another, evil, vampire (also played by Angalisha Marie) has moved into the area. Vlad’s three brides (the aforementioned Electra, plus Serena (Xaviera Desgrottes) and Eliza (Sylvia Kovacs)) attack victims but do not kill. Vlad then feeds from the brides as he no longer likes to bite people himself. Despite being called ‘brides’, feeding him and referring to him as Master, the three are generally disparaging to him – reminding him that he is repulsive and therefore a hotty like Rebekah could never like him.

vampire or klingon?

So let’s look at Vlad. Modelled on Orlock from Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens he is a pale blue/grey with large ears and bald. The bald cap used ridges up consistently, giving an impression of a Klingon vampire rather than the feature of a German expressionism film. This opens up a discussion on effects – they are rubbish almost consistently and the locations are no better (the FBI office has a pay phone only). But back to Vlad specifically, there is little in the way of dialogue (as the trivia on the Amazon X-ray suggests, “Dracula doesn't say much as Nosferatu didn't say much either.”) However, Burke does a nice line in gesturing and facial expressions.

Agent Kelly loses it

As well as the effects and locations, the lighting is dire and the photography poor, with shaky camera work at several points. However, I suggested it wasn’t a chore. The film is a comedy (though the purposeful comedy lines didn’t tickle me that much) and it is a couple of the performances that kept me drawn in – namely the two FBI agents. Lady Altovise ran a fine line in over the top, offering an amusing performance that juxtaposed nicely with Kristy White, who appeared to be having a whale of a time, was barely able to keep her face straight at times and was infectious when her amusement overcame her.

Vlad and the brides

The film might have been painful but these two made it worth the wade through the mire of low budget filmmaking. Burke himself became more and more endearing as the misunderstood vampire (who actually had more in common with Nosferatu’s Knock than Orlock at times). This is not a great film but it could have been so much worse. Altovise and White almost single-handedly drag the score up to an unexpected 3.5 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

On Demand @ Amazon US

On Demand @ Amazon UK