Female Vampires Online – review

Director: G.R. Claveria

Release date: 2011/12*

Contains spoilers

This low budget film started life as a web-serial called FemVamp.com and was cut together from that extant footage. *I have listed the film (which Amazon date to 2015) to the original date of the two seasons of the serial as listed on IMDb.

When I say this is low budget I’m being absolutely serious. This is grainy footage, amateur Hell. It is clearly a comedy but lacks the subtlety needed and yet I couldn’t help but be charmed in places.

in the room

So it starts off on a campus and the Peeping Tom Campus Pervert has been terrifying the college kids. One of the guys goes back to his room to jerk off to some vampire porn from the aforementioned FemVamp.com. The basic premise seems to be female vampire(s) on female victim who then turns at the end. As he watches the vampire, Victoria (Suzie Malone), seems to be beside him and then actually is off the screen and in the room.

intimidation

Detective Valentine (Jay Bingham) is a bit of a dick. He has the deceased porn lover’s roommate, Terry (Sean Enns), in the station and is demanding to know what he knows about the murder and is not above slapping Terry about. Terry says he knows nothing, he had been back at his mother’s the night before and came home to find the body and porn. Valentine doesn’t believe him and also believes him to be the campus pervert.

Erin Ashley Judson as Abigail

At first it seems Valentine might be right. We see Terry delete voyeuristic videos. Then we move to a room where we meet friends Abigail (Erin Ashley Judson) and Alex (Tema Louise Sall). Abigail has a scheme to make some money by going to Las Vegas and auditioning for vampire porn – all she will have to do is take her top off and earn $500. There is a banging at the door and it is Valentine. He’s been hunting the pervert and sees Terry at their window. He chases but, when he catches up, it isn’t Terry but BJ (Tristan Williams).

Tristan Williams as BJ

BJ finds Terry and gives him his coat back. Terry wants to save the girls from the vampires but BJ clearly doesn’t believe in vampires. BJ is also a wildly over the top character/performance and if Williams had dialled it back, just a notch, it might have been impressive. Openly gay, he contrives to have Terry if the vampire theory doesn’t pan out. Terry believes that one of the professors, Wang (G.R. Claveria), is a vampire hunter on the side. Wang is an over the top character with a faux English accent put on but, you know what, I couldn’t help but be charmed by his performance and Claveria was genuinely funny (at least some of the time).

G.R. Claveria as Wang

His vampire hunting gear consists of eyepatch, cape and ten-inch stake. He wears an eyepatch as vampires must be able to see both eyes to eye mojo a victim. His cape is infused with garlic and he also uses love eggs as a weapon as the vibrations disorientate vampires. Only women can be vampires and they have a Queen. One vampire seems to be working against the others.

attack

Story wise things were odd (beyond the ridiculous storyline) as the ending seemed rushed and jumped away from a lot of the events – returning to the aftermath (or even years into the future) without actually showing us what went on. The sfx are mostly restricted to the vampire porn sequences (but don’t get excited, what we see is tame). The performances are all exaggerated and that is the primary source of the comedy. This isn’t brilliant by any stretch but, at 60 minutes, it isn’t too long, Claveria is strangely charming and it was amusing in places (though not as consistently as needed). 3.5 out of 10

The imdb page for the web serial is here.

On Demand @ Amazon US

On Demand @ Amazon UK