Bite Me Darling – review

Director: Helmut Förnbacher

Release date: 1970

Contains spoilers

Also called The Amorous Adventures of a Young Postman, this was a German Sex Comedy. The version I saw had no overt sexual scenes and was clearly the cut version. It was dubbed into English and was a very poor vhs rip, therefore I apologise for the quality of the screenshots.

The alternative title is probably the more accurate of the two but before we get to meet the postman in question we meet two animated and very crap bats – Stan and Ollie, yes one was thin and the other fat and they comment on the film, not just over the credits but through the film where their animated selves flit onto screen from time to time.

Patrick Jordan as von der Wies

They tell us that the local Doctor Hartlieb von der Wies (Patrick Jordan, Lifeforce) runs a sex clinic and is a descendant of Count Dracula. Then we meet a postman – not the postman of the title but one named Verkäufer (Dieter Augustin). Through him we meet the various people in the town, including the sadistic lady dentist (Brigitte Skay), the gay guy, Wagner (Ralf Wolter, Dracula Blows his Cool), who is the butt of jokes regarding his sexuality and the old woman who believes she births garden gnomes. At its best it reaches the level of a low grade Benny Hill.

Dieter Augustin as Verkäufer

On his round he is interviewed by von der Wies regarding any amorous adventures he might have on his rounds, but he denies any such thing – it is against post office rules. There are also a group of kids who are plaguing the poor postman. They pelt him with snowballs, let the air out of his bike tyre and eventually leave a rope out to trip him – he breaks his leg. The post office send cover for him in the form of Peter Busch (Amadeus August) a young man clearly popular with the ladies – before too long he is servicing several on his round.

Amadeus August as Peter

When he is asked why he is a postman (or asked to leave the job) he tells a detail shifting story about the Bishop of Salzburg laying a duty on an ancestor that all the Busch male line will be postmen. When interviewed by von der Wies, who realises that he has lost half his female clients since the postman arrived, Busch suggests that this pact also bestows superhuman sexual potency. Von der Wies has some issues however, beyond losing clientele, he has developed fangs (which the dentist files down) and his niece, Sabrina (Eva Renzi), has fallen for Peter.

boomerang for assassinations

The Doctor tries to assassinate Peter several times, culminating in him adding poison to whiskey. He gives Peter the wrong whiskey and kills himself – before he dies he tells Peter to take over his practice and marry Sabrina. He does this (despite her warning him of vampirism in the family). He happily leaves the postal service, she happily pimps him to his clients but von der Weis does not lie quiet in his grave…

fangs and animated bat

Now it needs to be said, getting in and out of his grave night after night was easy enough – given no-one bothered to fill it. The lore used is very bog standard, warded by crosses and garlic, the vampire must hide from the sun and is killed by stake (cremation helps make sure). However this entire rising from the grave business is quite a way into the film. Before then we have virtually nothing vampiric – bar the panic over fangs, which are filed and not mentioned again pre-death.

staked

The jokes are at seaside postcard level for the main. One joke about a dog losing the war for Germany (the dog is called Adolph) fell flat and I imagine fell flat at the time of release. The jokes around Wagner show a homophobia that was telling of the date of filming. The film hasn’t really got a huge amount to recommend it, to be honest. 2 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.