Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Skin Eating Jungle Vampires – review

Director: Tim Swartz

Release date: unknown

Contains spoilers

You just knew it was going to be bad… after all the cover had the name Mr Creepo on it and a credit for direction to Tim Swartz. The same credits can be found on Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires: the curse of Ed Wood (BLLV). Of course the name of that one was better.

The name of this one doesn’t make much sense… the vampires of the title do not eat skin – as far as I could see – but eat flesh, more so than drink blood, indeed they like to roll about in blood and flesh a lot. Then again the case does declare this as an ‘exploitation movie’ – a little tip, if you have to explain that, then you are trying too hard to be something you really are not.

The film begins with a woman, Tiffany, lost in the jungle. She is followed by the aforementioned skin eating jungle vampires. One throws a spear and removes her hat – if it was meant to appear purposeful then it was a good shot, otherwise why try to spear someone you want to take alive. The vampires jump her and there is a lot of patting of her groin area and a declaration demanding that they don’t touch her there. Back in the States her sister wakes up, having dreamt the attack, and says, “holy sh*t”.

effects to make Ed Wood weep
We get the background. The planet clitoria was ruled by women with few men. It was dying and the last survivors escaped in a space ship. There were mainly women and Mr Creepo. Cosmic storms sent them crashing down to Costa Rica and their ship was embedded in a volcano. The women went feral and started eating humans going by… are they vampires then, probably strictly not but lets run with it. Soon their dark God will come demanding a bride and they will become rulers of the universe (or the world depending on which bit of script is being read).

the sister
Tiffany’s sister (I never caught her name) has a psychic link with her sister. She follows her to Costa Rica, knowing that she is in trouble. She sees a shaman, recommended by her maid, but she isn’t much use to be honest. Then there is a long boring section with her traveling around – mainly going to the beach – trying to find her sister. Honestly it dragged.

This is interspersed with a variety of lesbians rolling in blood and flesh, moments that was about as erotic as a toad. The girls involved are clearly finding the whole thing amusing – one is barely keeping a straight face. Occasionally this involves Tiffany, being forced into the sex but never too far as the dark god demands a virgin.

yes, they are feather dusters
Eventually the sister is caught – there is an enforced incestuous lesbian moment and Mr Creepo tries to look regal by holding feather dusters. Will they escape the dark god and his minions and could you really care?

I guess it took guts!
The fact that there was some locational work (though where is questionable) in between the stock footage probably raises this above BLLV, however the film was blurry and horrible, the cinematography was rubbish, the script atrocious, the story worse and there was no call for acting. This was about as titilating as a wart on the earlier mentioned toad. Honestly, if you want an exploitation flick about jungle vampires let me recommend Night of the Sorcerers - after all that is a good film. 0.5 out of 10.

At the time of review there is no IMDb page.


Margaret said...

The only thing better than reading an insightful and well written review about a great movie, is reading one about a terrible movie! Generally if you give a film a good score, I'll refrain from reading the review until I have seen it, but forgive me, but when the film score is this bad, I can be pretty sure it is something I am not gonna waste my time watching, and I am grateful to you for suffering through it and sharing this great review that I feel pretty certain entertained me more than this film was likely to. Kudos for that!

Taliesin_ttlg said...

Hi Margaret, what can I say... its a public service lol