Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Gypsy Vampire: The Final Bloodlust – review

Director: Conrad Brooks

Release date: 2009

Contains spoilers

There were three Gypsy vampire movies that I was aware of (follow the links for the reviews of films one, two and three) – altogether they achieved a combined score of 2 (out of 30). Was I harsh? If you watched the films you'd say no.

Thus, the discovery of a fourth film really did not raise hope for a good film, nor did it offer much in the way of hope that it would raise the combined score (or the series average of 0.6 recurring) by much at all. The series is by Ed Wood's cohort Conrad Brooks and features the adventures of Count Lugo (Bruce “Porkchop” Lindsay). This film John Raider (Mark Byrne) arrives at a building (a poorly shot, strangely coloured cabin that apparently is a funeral home). He tells Princess (Erika Faunce) – the maid – that he is there to see the funeral director Mr Margo – who is really Count Lugo.

Meeting Mr Margo
This funeral home is a place of Halloween props (the film was shot in two haunted house attractions). Raider seems less than bothered by this, he is a ghost hunter who writes novels based on his researches and has been directed to Margo. Margo, however, is somewhat busy with a body – and stopping Max (Matt Burns), a zombie, from having a fondle of the corpse. As such he sees his guest but briefly and then offers him a bed for the night.

Count Lugo
Raider goes wandering through the house and sees a corpse sit up. Margo appears and shows him a corpse of a woman – Gabriella – a road traffic victim who the characters all suggest is beautiful and incorrupt but who is never shown to the viewer. Margo reveals that he wants Raider’s friend Dr Cabasa (John Durham) to help him revive the girl from death and then reveals that he is Lugo. Finally, given that this is the fourth film, we get some background on Lugo.

Like me, he prayed for it to end
He says that he was a soldier in the Civil War and in 1864 he was injured when shrapnel from a cannon blast took his eye. He crawled to a cave to die but met the Grim Reaper, who made him an offer – he could get his revenge on his enemies as a vampire… But wait… in the first film the love of his life was a vampire called Ilsa who was turned into a skeleton in 1727 when she drank the blood of a holy man… that is over a century out… “Wait”, I hear you ask, “You don’t expect consistency in these films, do you?” Of course I do… nah, just kidding!

criminal acting
We then get a scene with Conrad Brooks and John Faunce as a pair of escaped convicts who wander into Lugo’s home. This contained some of the worse acting I have actually seen… ever… trees were crowding around demanding their wood back. They die, nuff said. Eventually Cabasa and his assistant Grace (Gail Maureen Hanson) arrive. Lugo isn’t around and they haven’t seen Raider in the house for a month. Cabasa looks at the corpse and declares that it cannot be revived – so is murdered, which leads to Grace murdering a scene with histrionics when she finds the body… Bear with me, almost there…

Max the zombie
Turns out that Max has actually put Lugo on ice – literally. He intends to marry Grace (whilst hypnotised) and then cremate Lugo, freeing him and his zombie minions (well, they’re not actually going to be free, the power will transfer to Max). His dastardly plan is ‘defeated’ by Raider, who is now a zombie too and loyal to Lugo, who blows the entire place up (less an explosion actually and more a sound effect over a black screen) by ripping open a gas pipe… the end… and the most positive thing I can say is that it was only, roughly, 40 minutes of your life that you lost to the viewing experience.

I’ve said it all as I went through the scenes… this was a poorly acted, poorly shot, poorly scripted flick and it had no actual redeeming qualities. 0 out of 10. At the time of review there is no IMDb page.


RoseOfTransylvania said...

Sounds like this would make Plan 9 from outer space look good film.

Taliesin_ttlg said...

Plan 9 is a masterpiece in comparison

Unknown said...

Dude this is funny. I'm max the zombie lol

Taliesin_ttlg said...

Hey Unknown - funny to read, painful to watch