Sunday, January 02, 2011

Vampire Dentist – review

Director: Christine Whitlock

Release date: 2006

Contains spoilers

It shouldn’t be allowed… What? The cover that rips off many a vampire film and that fine comedic programme Scrubs? Well, there is that – this is the Hong Kong release of the film. Which shouldn’t be allowed, products this bad should not be exported into unsuspecting countries – it might be deemed an act of war. Which underlines what really shouldn’t be allowed… films this bad, especially when they sully the vampire genre.

Now, the genre is not squeaky clean – there have been some abominations released that feature vampires – some of them mainstream. However this is amongst the worst.

Two new dentists, Moe Lars (Trevor Crane) and Pierce Able (David Squires) – and don’t you just want to laugh at the puns on the names… no… me neither – open a new surgery with Lars’ Auntie May as receptionist/financial backer of one month’s rent (she has already paid Lars through dental school). The warehouse, for that is what it is, is all they can afford because Lars’ scores were that low and Able’s internet gambling has led to debt. There isn’t equipment. This, then, is one of four or five locations in the film.

meeting Vam Dent
It seems that the area suffers from a plague of the undead. We know they are vampires because they all wear cheap Halloween capes. Meanwhile a variety of patients are scared away by the two 'dentists' and the rent is due. Eventually they have to sub-let the space to a night dentist – Dr Drek Vam Dent (James Pettitt), vampire nobility (it appears) who now wants to serve his fellow vampires by being their dentist.

shadow attacker
Vam Dent attracts those elements who dislike him – shadow attackers led by Andrain (Andrew Huisman) and for some reason Lars starts working nights with him. That is about 1 hour into the film, however, by the 40 minute mark they hadn’t developed a plot and I wrote in my (for this film rather sparse) notes, "what is the point?" Eventually Vam Dent’s father gives him a talisman (cheap plastic Halloween Dracula outfit pendant) that wards off the shadow attackers and we still don’t know the point.

no reflection
Lars and Vam Dent both fancy blind human patient Miss Connie Duns (Connie Williams) and Vam Dent claims there is something special about her – which makes Andrain start in a way that indicates something, but what Vam Dent means is never communicated and by that point you won’t actually care either. Vam Dent eventually gets his fangs in her, an excuse to her her thrust her bosoms up in a mirror shot to show he has no reflection – pointless at this moment in the film because you feel you have been watching it for a marathon 10 hour run when actually the running time is a depressingly long 90 or so minutes.

The dialogue is rank, the acting worse, the locations and props pathetic. Cinematography is a concept that by-passed this film and directing is for mugs. Unfunny, unworthy… You might have noticed I disliked this. Normally I try and find something positive (or at least constructive) to say… at a push James Pettitt’s outfit looked quite cool (perhaps he brought it from home). One reason that I try and stay positive is because there is always the question, could you do better? Answer, I don’t know, but I couldn’t do worse… the thing is, I have enough artistic integrity to know that if I had created that which you will find on this DVD, it would never have seen the light of day. 0 out of 10.

As a coda, I would like to say that the film mentions a Vampire Dentist 2 at the end - thankfully it has never emerged.

The imdb page is here. ;)Q

In case you don't believe me:

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