Saturday, March 13, 2010

I Am Virgin – review

I am Virgin

Director: Sean Skelding

Release date: 2010

Contains spoilers

Ahh parody, sometimes the heart’s blood of comedy and at other times a damp squib. I am Virgin parodies I am Legend, the movie rather than the book one feels, with a lot less than panache.

The film starts with TV broadcasts re the vampire apocalypse. We never know how it started, just that people became nymphomaniac vampires. We see a vampire burn up in the sun (the only such event we see in the film) and then we hear a report that they are drinking the blood of normal humans – the only direct reference we get to blood drinking.

what a predicamentMeet Robby (Adam Elliott Davis) the last man alive. We find him in a bar surrounded by a bevy of half naked vampires and he wants to tell us how he got there. Segue to a few days before and Robby, along with Billy the Bassett Hound, is a survivor of the vampire plague. Still human and virgo intacta. We see his day to day life.

Robby and BillyThe days are spent perhaps supermarket shopping or playing crazy golf (I told you it was an I am Legend spoof, didn’t I…). When he gets petrol he leaves cash for a non-existent attendant. Then he either goes into (or follows Billy into) a dark building and… catches vampires at it in either guy/girl or girl/girl situations and… voyeuristically watches them whilst we get a 'no genitals on show' sex scene.

vampire on the prowlThere is no vampire slayage at any given point in this, Robby’s plight strings together some lowbrow sex scenes. We do not see a vampire die (bar the sun death in the opening scenes) or bite anyone… methinks they missed the point of vampire movies. Or perhaps not, but the sexploitation of this actually crosses the border into low level pornography, almost saved from that label by having the spoof of I am Legend and a rough approximation of a story.

recording a vlogRobby spends his nights in the basement – watching porn – having spoken to a freaky looking blow-up doll (whilst playing chess against it), made dinner and recorded his vlog. He sprays vinegar over the lawn and car to hide his trace and miraculously, after 3.5 years, the electricity is somehow still on and the web still up! He also thinks about mom and dad, and the virtues they instilled in him (sex is dirty and he has to wait for the one).

Ron Jeremy as paulBecoming more and more frustrated he meets a vampire called Paul (Ron Jeremy, Death Factory and Blood Moon Rising) who tells him of a colony of survivors up north – but advises Robby not to go up there. They kicked him out for having sex with vampires and they are all puritanical. He also gives him the secret of the vampire plague. Having sex with an infected won’t infect you in turn, feeling guilty about sex (after the act) does that.

Will Robby finally get some? Will he keep his humanity? Do we really care?

it's the end of the world as we know it...As I say, this is an excuse for a series of genitally modest sex scenes so the vampire lore is as already described (bar the fact that they all have pronounced veins at the temple and perma-fangs). Bizarrely they did actually capture a feeling of desolation in respect of the city – despite the too obviously matted over moments. Also, quite bizarrely, Adam Elliott Davis is rather good as Robby – making him personable to the point that we do give at least a bit of a stuff about him!

vampire nurseBut the spoof aspect and the comedy aspects fall flat and whilst this is a cut above Seduction Films (it has locations and everything) it isn’t a wonderful vampire film. 1.5 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

3 comments:

Sarah from Scare Sarah said...

Hmm, this does sound crap. Although... I didn't think I'd like Scary Movie and I did...never watched it all the way through though...meh

Nicole_Hadaway said...

Hey Taliesin! Stopped by because of the title -- it's a good thing you put 'review' after it ;-)

Sounds a bit like the vampire comedy Once Bitten with Jim Carrey and Lauren Hutton.

Taliesin_ttlg said...

Hey guys, Sarah... yup rubbish ;) Nicole... if I were then I'd have questions re number 1 son lol... However, much worse than Once Bitten... at least that had a furry bat!