Der Goldene Nazivampir von Absam 2 - Das Geheimnis von Schloß Kottlitz – review

Director: Lasse Nolte

Release date: 2008

Contains spoilers


Despite the indication from its name, this short German film is not part 2 but stand alone. It was a part of a larger piece, Minor Films - Kurzfilme der Münchner Filmwerkstatt aus den Jahren 2003 bis 2007, a collection of short films. It is now available as a DVD, in Germany only as far as I can tell at the time of review, in its own right.

It is also a wonderful quirky little piece about a plan to create an army of Nazi vampires during the war. However, before we get to that we get the (brief) misadventures of spy Brick Bradford (Kim Bärmann).

Brick has received a telegram to meet Smokey (Hendrick Martz) near Snagov, unfortunately he realises he is near Paris. Later he reaches the correct rendezvous and is approaching a fortified area. He steps on a hand, and a figure in a crusader costume rises besides him. It is Smokey. Smokey tells Brick to get the film (which he has stolen from the SS) to General Donovan (Walter Stapper). Spotlights come on, he tells Brick to run, fires a shot at the officer on the battlements and is cut down by machine gun fire.

In Washington William BJ Blazkowicz (Daniel Krauss) is indulging in research but, ultimately starts to drinking. That is until a soldier enters the room. He quickly puts the open bottle in a drawer, where it proceeds to leak and looks like a stream of urine running below the desk. The film is peppered with little toilet humour gags and, perhaps, they were unnecessary in the grand scheme of things as the film has its own quirky humour above this.

BJ is told to report to Donovan – head of the OSS. BJ’s role is to investigate the occult, he has had no specialist training but can do magic tricks. He is also somewhat of a klutz. The OSS is running out of Agents and so he is it. He is shown Smokey’s film that reveals the vampires. It appears that Otto von Grimm (Götz Burger) has taken over the Junker School at Absam and BJ is to infiltrate it. He pees his pants and so is given a German medal, by Donovan, that is really a bomb that will level the castle. When he says he doesn’t even speak German he is told that in three weeks he’ll even know how to parachute.

Three weeks later and BJ comes plummeting out of the sky. He survives the jump and is on the side of the road when a motorbike and side car comes along. The rider, having surmised that BJ sounds like Donald Duck with his gibberish German, asks him to look after the bike and hold his helmet whilst he has a pee. BJ notices that he is heading towards the Junker school and steals the bike, heading towards the ominous castle.

In the castle he is taken directly to von Grimm, who was expecting the rider. He is told not to look von Grimm in the eyes and not to laugh or smile in his presence. BJ is spoken to for a second when a scientist comes in declaring that 'the alloy is gold'. BJ is left in von Grimm’s office and finds a secret door. Grabbing two sausages and Cushing them into a cross he descends into the secret area of the castle.

Two vampire jump out at him immediately but the sight of the sausage cross makes them pass out. Bolstered by this BJ heads to the radio room, brandishing his sausages at any vampire that appears and making short work of his journey to the radios. He contacts Donovan and lets him know that the vampires are real but they cannot withstand the cross. Donovan decides immediately that each platoon will be led by a fanatical Christian.

Von Grimm walks in and BJ holds up the cross but it has no effect. Then Smokey enters wearing a SS uniform and sporting vampire fangs. He is a double agent and all has been a set up so that BJ will relay false information to Donovan about the vampires’ weakness. BJ makes the point that sunlight, molten metal and a stake through the heart will still kill a vampire and so is taken to the throne room to be shown all.

I don’t want to spoil too much more but I should relay this lore aspect, as it is the reason why molten metal was mentioned – an unusual declaration when discussing those things that will kill a vampire, for whilst the logic sits up there with fire, molten metal is not exactly the handiest killing tool. However, the Nazis were in Snagov to open Dracula’s tomb and steel his fangs – which are on a handy amulet.

Which ever vampire is bitten by them becomes a super vampire. Obviously von Grimm intends to use them as they will allow him to be dipped in molten gold, making golden armour that nothing will be able to penetrate. Why it wouldn’t just protect him from all else is not explained, nor is how he will be able to move once the gold has set. However, this is unimportant as this is part of the quirky world view we are looking at. Other than this the main lore we discover is that when the head vampire dies all the other vampires die.

This was good fun. It could have done with being twice as long with a little more depth but for what it was it was excellently put together, acted and filmed. As I mentioned earlier it perhaps could have lost some of the toilet humour that didn’t really add anything to the abundant, more intelligent and satirical humour in place. Certainly a brighter moment in the genre, 6 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.