Sunday, July 01, 2007

We’re all doomed

So, England goes smoke free and, once again, the UK Government has not thought things through, knee jerking to spin-doctored opinion with no real attempt to look at the possible fallout of their policies.

Why? I’m glad you asked, you see soon we will be ample pickings for the creatures of the night… I swear they ought to read Stoker.

You see a quick read of Dracula shows us that all the vampire killing heroes were smokers, so no more heroes anymore, and the Count himself abstained.

As Van Helsing said regarding Steward: “So, my dear, we will send him away to smoke the cigarette in the garden” – though perhaps here Stoker wanted to warn the reader about the bans that he predicted in the future.

Van Helsing himself liked a cigar, as Harker noted: “We sat down on a bench within good view, and began to smoke cigars so as to attract as little attention as possible.” This just goes to show that smoking makes for good camouflage, a useful tool in the vampire hunter’s repertoire.

Arthur would light a cigarette up on the job: “It was immediately opened by Quincey Morris, beside whom stood Lord Godalming lighting a cigar.” Sorry, your Lordship it will now be illegal to smoke on the job except… wait, you’re a Lord and I believe that Parliament has granted itself exemptions in certain parts of Westminster.

As for Quincey Morris, when he couldn’t smoke he’d chew tobacco “Quincey Morris was phlegmatic in the way of a man who accepts all things, and accepts them in the spirit of cool bravery, with hazard of all he has at stake. Not being able to smoke, he cut himself a good−sized plug of tobacco and began to chew.”

Now I mentioned Dracula’s abstention, this was noted by Harker as he lit a cigar up: “By this time I had finished my supper, and by my host's desire had drawn up a chair by the fire and begun to smoke a cigar which he offered me, at the same time excusing himself that he did not smoke.”

Defenders of the ban will point out that it is designed to promote health… please, how healthy will we be when we are all the living dead? Well done New Labour, another well thought out policy.

Please note that this article is meant to be satirical; whilst all the above can be found in Dracula it may only be a coincidence that all the vampire slayers smoked and there is no evidence that not smoking was a pre-requisite of the undead state, though the book does not suggest that either Lucy or Mina smoked and they were both bitten… Also, I have no burning desire to debate the real pros and cons of smoking and smoking bans.

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