Friday, November 03, 2006

How to slay a vampire – review


Directed by: John & Mark Polonia

Release Date: 1995

Contains spoilers

Oh dear, oh dear. Some people should just not be allowed to get near a camera… ever.

The basic story of this turkey is that two brothers (John and Mark Polonia), sons of a hanging the vampiredrunken red-neck mother, discover a vampire (Count Francis) wrapped in a rug in the cellar. They try to kill said vampire by stake, hanging, cutting the heart out, decapitation, garlic, the cross and holy water. Nothing works.

The vampire awakens, farts (I’m not kidding) and escapes, and so they try to unfunny boom mike gaghunt him down. With a series of some of the worst jokes committed to celluloid, this film has to be one of the worst scripted films I have ever come across. Not even the referential moments highlighting that this is a film within the film, including the hilariously unfunny mike-boom gag, raise a titter and someone should tell these people that making a joke of child abuse isn’t funny.

The acing is entirely sub-rate, the sound awful and the sound effects worse. The sfx are non-existent.

teddy slayageEventually, having staked a teddy bear rather than their quarry (and remember they are hunting this thing with stakes when that didn’t work earlier), they kill the vampire by opening a garage door and catching him in sunlight (that he was walking in, in previous scenes) and then flush the ashes down the toilet.

Normally I’d offer a little more plot detail, but there is none. Normally I would try and find some glimmer of goodness in a film, but there isn’t one. Normally I would try and explain some of the more awful moments, but I really cannot be bothered… Not that I want to short change readers of this blog, you understand, but because this really is one of the most singularly worst excuses for a movie I’ve ever seen and it seems only fair that I put no more effort into the review than they did into the movie (and I think I’ve already exceeded that). There is nothing in this to recommend it, I can’t even suggest that you watch it to see how bad it is. 0 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.


Anonymous said...

Hi, dear, me again!

Thanks for the review. Sometimes you see things out and buy blind, only realizing what a waste of cash it was later. If I see this out, I'll know now to steer clear!


Mark said...

It amazes me that films like this ever make it to market. Especially when you know there must be loads of talented scripts out there that never see the light of day.

A great review, by the way. I'm sure it's just the schlock fan in me, but I enjoy reading your reviews of bad movies even more than your reviews of good films.

Taliesin_ttlg said...

Hi both of you. With one more film to go - and by the title "sorority house vampires from hell" I don't hold out much hope - it seems there is only one reason to buy the blood hunt set. If you do not have Demon Under Glass, fancy the film and the set is cheaper than the film on its own!

Wendy, buying blind can be a risk, but sometimes you can find a real gem. Part of the reason I wanted to do this blog was because a lot of the lower level movies are out there without reviews and, with look, at least folks can make an informed choice.

Mark, you are not the only person to mention that to me (prefering my reviews of bad movies)... perhaps it is because my sarcasm levels raise!

I do take your point about the plethora of bad movies when good scripts are left untouched. It is the nature of the beast, however, it seems to me. Because technology has moved on anyone with a will to do so can get a digi-camera and a bit of software and pull a movie together - unfortunately the net result is a lot of bad films, but amongst all that there are the odd gems and so the good of the situation outweighs the bad, imho.

Taliesin_ttlg said...

That should be 'with luck' not with look in para 2! Dyslexic fingers!