Oscar Wilde and the Vampire Murders – review

Author: Gyles Brandreth

First published: 2011

Contains spoilers

The blurb: Oscar Wilde and the Vampire Murders opens in 1890, at a glamorous party hosted by the Duke and Duchess of Albemarle. All of London’s high society—including the Prince of Wales—are in attendance at what promises to be the event of the season. Yet Oscar Wilde is more interested in another party guest, Rex LaSalle, a young actor who claims to be a vampire.

But the entertaining evening ends in tragedy when the duchess is found murdered—with two tiny puncture marks on her throat. Desperate to avoid scandal and panic, the Prince asks Oscar and his friend Arthur Conan Doyle to investigate the crime. What they discover threatens to destroy the very heart of the royal family. Told through diary entries, newspaper clippings, telegrams, and letters, Oscar Wilde and the Vampire Murders is a richly atmospheric mystery that is sure to captivate and entertain.

The review: Gyles Brandreth was, as far as I knew years ago, a rather posh, very literate and somewhat amusing TV face but then I discovered he was a Tory and, worse, became a Tory MP and he really fell from my radar as anything other than a Tory and therefore to be ignored in my polite society. However, I saw this book (part of a series he has written of Oscar Wilde mysteries) and a combination of Wilde and vampires, well it had to be read and whilst I still find the man’s politics despicable, I can’t fault this as a piece of entertaining, well-written literature.

The book is epistolary and pulled together by Wilde’s “Doctor Watson” Robert Sherard. There is a “vampire style” murder and Wilde, Conan Doyle and Sherard are told to investigate by the Prince of Wales, who wishes to avoid scandal and thus keep it out of the hands of Scotland Yard. Wilde is our principle and, whilst the young actor Rex LaSalle seems to the reader a prime suspect, he also seems to not have had opportunity. This is despite his insistence that he is a vampire.

The majority of characters are historic personages and we do occasionally meet Bram Stoker – consulted as a vampire expert (he is researching still for Dracula) who does actually take them to a “vampire club” – a night-time gathering of thrill seekers, poets and debutants in a graveyard, officiated by an actual priest, where they do use a white virgin stallion and virgin lad to try and detect a vampire grave (to no avail). Things heat up when a second victim is found, in the proximity of the Prince of Wales once more, as he entertains at the theatre.

There are odd bits that are slightly out – the word undead is used pretty openly and though whilst the timeframe was in proximity to Stoker, as far as we know it only became commonly used for vampires once he used the word in Dracula. Porphyria is also mentioned as “the disease of vampires” but, of course, there was no known connecting of the disease and vampirism until fancifully connected in the twentieth century, using film tropes not folklore, and popularised by Dr David Dolphin. Quibbles aside (more due to these details being out with the otherwise historical setting) the writing is excellent, the pace bounces along and Wilde in particular is drawn so very well, as is Conan Doyle. Of course, within a real world setting this is a mortal murderer not a supernatural creature. 8 out of 10.

In Hardback @ Amazon US

In Hardback @ Amazon UK

Voodoo Heartbeat – review

Director: Charles Nizet

Release date: 1973

Contains spoilers

This is a right oddity, a 70s exploitation flick (and it does contain nudity and some degree of softcore), I watched it thinking it was a Jekyll and Hyde-a-like, though the poster has a fanged man. In reality there are no fangs and it is less Hyde more vampire. It isn’t a great film, it has quite a disturbingly visceral scene (that I will cover) and the acting is blooming awful but it does have something for those who wish to watch the Z-list of B-Movies that moves it higher in score than it perhaps deserves.

scientists meet

It starts with a plane landing and Doctor Grant (Ern Dugo) lands in America and is picked up at the airport to take him to a meeting about a serum he has procured (stolen). We see a car with two Chinese agents follow them. In the meeting he tells the story of his adventure, five years in central Africa where he found a serum of youth. Mistrusted at first, he treated a yellow fever outbreak and gained the local confidence to the point that they “awarded him” a girl to be his wife. The information that she was 14 is met with chuckles by the wholly male attendees, makes the exploitation much sleazier and the viewer feels distaste.

the interminably long walk

When an elder became ill he realised the man was dying and the villagers confined him into a hut, whilst the maidens led the elder into the mountains. He snuck out and followed. They reached a place known as the Devil’s Gate, the elder barely able to walk. After an interminably long series of walking shots, they get into a cave and there is a plinth which the elder gets on and a girl gives him the serum to drink. The women then strip and start dancing round him, then one copulates with him as the others writhe on him and he becomes young once more. The climax sees one stab him and remove his heart. As they took the body for cremation, Grant got a sample of serum and legged it back to the USA.

stealing the briefcase

Unfortunately, he only has 10CCs of the serum and concludes that they must start human trials! He is informed that they have a volunteer, a prisoner from Death Row, and Grant suggests that he will administer it one CC at a time and do a maximum of 7 rounds of experiment, saving 3CCs for analysis. That settled he goes back to a waiting car to go to another airport. As they arrive his Chinese tail attacks. They shoot Grant and his companion, then get a machete to start cutting at Grant’s arm to get the handcuffed briefcase. His companion manages to get a gun, shoot one attacker but the other gets away. A shot damages the car, causing the attacker to abandon the vehicle as the companion expires.

taking the briefcase... and arm

The agent steals a car from some women and drives away but loses control and crashes. As it happens a station wagon is passing driven by Dr Blake (Ray Molina) – we later discover that he is a doctor who is disgraced due to an investigation of an abortion gone bad, which led to the patient's death and where the state cleared him but her family are still suing. He goes to the wreck and steals Grant’s arm and the briefcase (at least getting a newspaper from his car to pick up the arm, I assume to prevent getting blood on his car seat) – as you do! At home he reads the Top-Secret notes and then injects himself with the serum! During this we get a gratuitous side scene of Professor Larsen (Will Long), a colleague of Grant’s, being nude massaged by his wife!

family meal

Blake’s daughter (Ebby Rhodes) has come into town so, rather than her go to his home, he meets her for dinner. Mention is made of his new young 25-years old girlfriend – “Your mother always says I was a dirty old man”  –  and, in a familiar trope, he orders his steak bloody rare when he always used to eat it well done. He can’t eat the steak though, having cut into it, and instead makes his excuses to leave and goes to see his girlfriend. Though this is after a shot of blood being drawn (presumably his blood in order to test it).

feeding

He gets there and, despite not feeling well, starts getting hot and heavy with her until he snaps and starts strangling her and then punching her face. Though we only really see him punching downwards and not the blows themselves this is quite a visceral scene with a really good use of foley and, when we do see her bloodied face, it is shocking enough that our brains fill in the punches landing. He then goes to her neck and starts sucking blood from it. Later a doctor friend tells him that his blood work suggests a blood malady like leukaemia, but more aggressive, and that he will have to have frequent fresh transfusions. His daughter, worried, goes to his home and finds Grant’s arm and phones the authorities.

boat chase and shoot out

He does raid a blood bank (despite being told he needs freshly drawn blood). The only other feed we see him indulge in is in a canyon, where a man and two ladies are having some outdoor fun and games. He shoots all three and then sucks the blood from their bullet wounds. It is suggested that his pain thresholds will be massively heightened and his strength increased. For some reason the cops decide it sensible to take Prof Larsen and Blake’s daughter on a boat chase with shoot out! This is poor – the acting is risible (for those who know we are talking Manos: the Hands of Fate bad), the sequences pace sapping and incongruous – the walk to the cave, long drawn out injection of serum or drawing of blood. The film has the gratuitous, but really not erotic, nudity and, of course, the layer of sleaze I mentioned. Yet there is something Z-grade watchable about this in general. 2 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

Please Don't Eat My Mother! – review

Director: Carl Monson

Release date: 1973

Contains spoilers

We have looked several times at films about vampiric plants and, to be sure, the Venus Flytrap is displayed as vampiric in the classic Nosferatu, eine Symphonie des Grauens (1922). However, the reason for listing this as a vampire film is down to the Little Shop of Horrors because, having listed the Corman film as a vampire film it follows that this low-brow rip-off of the film is one also.

This is a sex-comedy and when I say sex, well let’s just say there certainly weren’t intimacy coordinators involved in this one. With nudity and, likely, actual sexual acts this doesn’t quite become a hardcore film but the sex is prominent (and more than a tad creepy).

lunchtime voyeurism

The film starts with a couple in a car. He is clearly randy and she (Flora Weisel) is unsure, after all he is married. He encourages her to have a drink, to relax, and soon they are making out. Watching this, whilst eating his lunch, is Henry Fudd (Buck Kartalian, Monster Squad). Henry is a middle-aged virgin, who lives with his mother and has a knack of finding couples making out/having sex and watching them. The film has three couples in the film that he watches – the first two scenes are cut into multiple sections, clearly intended to be different days but each a continuation of the previous scene. The final scene is not treated like that and is continuous. The second time he watches this couple there is another voyeur watching and Henry shares his lunch with him.

with Eve

Before that, however, Henry is walking past a florist’s (more like a lot than a store) when he hears a strange noise. He follows it and reckons it is coming from a plant and so buys it. The plant, which is clearly a prop, looks a tad yonic and the plant, as it grows, also has a Venus Flytrap element to its design. Anyway, Henry sneaks in past his harridan mother (Lynn Lundgren) and feeds the plant some pro-pro grow plant food. At this point the plant (which has a female voice and is coded female, and later referred to as Eve) comments (to herself) that the plant food is really good stuff.

growing

Soon, however, she is talking to Henry (with whom she makes it clear, eventually, that she wishes to stay platonic with – he’s a mammal after all). At first she asks his to supply flies – and as he has to catch them (we only see him catch the one but he does later have more captured off screen) this kind of codes him as Renfield. However as she grows (and her plant pot mysteriously grows also) her tastes move on to frogs, and then dogs (with cats as a dessert). At this point Henry takes a second job in the pound. Eventually his mother breaks into his room, convinced that there is a woman in there, and is eaten and the plant has progressed to being a people eater.

eating the cop

In the main she wants young women – she eats a cop (Carl Monson) who comes snooping and keeps spitting out his badge and gun; the spitting of the gun lifted from the earlier Corman film. The plant sometimes emits smoke, which I assume is a carnivorous plant version of a fart. We later also get Henry forced to purchase a male plant (with male voice) called Adam. Adam and Eve do reproduce. The comedy in this is generally poor and Henry, in truth, is more than a little creepy. The sex scenes are thrown in ad nauseum, as this was aimed at that sex-comedy market, and this is far from the pleasing film Little Shop of Horrors proved to be. Nevertheless, this film apes the earlier film entirely. 2 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

On DVD @ Amazon US

On DVD @ Amazon UK

Use of Tropes: Nemesis of Fire

Published in 1908 in the volume John Silence, Physician Extraordinary, this is a story by Algernon Blackwood and I came across it in David Annwn Jones’ excellent volume Vampires on the Silent Screen. When discussing an episode of the 1916 serial The Mysteries of Myra entitled the Fire Elemental (now sadly lost), Jones describes an episode in which a fire demon is summoned with the promise of a blood sacrifice. The episode description includes possession (of a spirit, interestingly) and trapping within ultraviolet rays. To tie a demonic (or spirit) source into vampirism and the depiction of it in early cinema is not so strange when we consider that Count Orlock is of demonic heritage.

Jones makes the connection not only between Hereward Carrington, who advised on The Mysteries of Myra, and Blackwood but directly to this story and suggests it was drawn on for the vampiric episode of the serial. One can certainly see that, with the story resonating to the descriptions we have of the Myra episode. They are not the same story, it must be stated, but one could see how this inspired. Narrated by Mr Hubbard, almost a Watson to the psychic detective Dr John Silence, the tale sees the pair visiting Col. Wragge who has reported strange goings on, though the materialistic soldier remains rather stoic on interview. The air in Wragge’s house feels oppressively hot and Silence soon deduces that there is a fire elemental at play.

The trop here comes down to the use of blood. Silence intends to manage the elemental through the use of blood: “The emanations of blood—which, as Levi says, is the first incarnation of the universal fluid—furnish the materials out of which the creatures of discarnate life, spirits if you prefer, can fashion themselves a temporary appearance.” This is why I have looked at the story as a use of tropes – whilst the elemental is drawn to blood, it uses it to draw corporeal shape rather than to consume. It is, however, the intertextual connection with Myra that also interests me and adds to the story's genre interest. The elemental itself was summoned due to a curse/protective spell cast on a Mummy, which Wragge’s deceased brother had taken from its tomb. As well as creating a vessel out of blood the elemental is able to possess Wragge, at one point.

The Vampire Next Door – review

Director: Sean King

Release date: 2024

Contains spoilers

This is a film that really can’t make up its mind. A vampire film, with only a tad of vampire action. A romance, with no romance. A comedy, but leaving out the raucous laughs. A high school film, with no high schoolers – I’ll come back to this. It definitively isn’t a horror film, though there is a modicum of blood.

Cameron (Alex Matthews) wakes next to Diane (Bella Chadwick). He has to go to work but she had a great time the night before and wants him to call in sick… which he will do until he wakes up and its been a dream. He heads downstairs and his dad (Josh Kay, Super Hot), wants him to decide what he will do with his life – he gap-yeared the previous year. It’s the start of summer though and he’s late for work at an ice cream parlour. Mom (Rachel Petsiavas) has dad back off, until she realises that he’s only having a coke for breakfast.

Bella Chadwick as Diane

So, he gets to work and the boss (Taylor King) says he’s late and asks him to close up that night. He says no, he has a date with Diane… which the boss, rightly, doesn’t believe. He does go round to Diane’s house, who he has had a crush on since high school, and she is sunbathing. He decides to text her, rather than approach her, and is collared by a couple of bullies, Chad (Seth Kerrigan) and Jason (Elijah Golden), and accused of photographing her – his phone gets destroyed in the fracas.

Victoria spots Cameron

Back at home he notices a light on opposite his bedroom and sees a woman, Victoria (Jessica Ferguson), changing – she notices him watching her. At dinner the doorbell goes, saving him from a berating over the broken phone from dad, and he goes to answer it – he sees Victoria through the spy hole. The doorbell rings again and, when he opens it, Diane is there. She got his text about pizza and they go on out. Turns out that, yes she’s his crush but they are actually friends and she’s just home from college. When eating he spots a friend, Martin (Andrew Larkin), and waves to him. Diane is mortified and Martin can barely speak… she later tells Cameron that she asked Martin to Senior prom and he stood her up.

Liz and Cameron at work

Let us talk themes for a moment. This models itself on High School films. Cameron is the lovable central geek, Diane (obviously) his hot crush, there are a couple of bullies and a Jock, in the form of Martin, who fancies Diane (he stood her up because her looks and brains intimidated him) and wants Cameron’s help to get with her. Except, Cameron is pitched at twenty – so not high school though Alex Matthews looks younger than pitched and Victoria later suggests she was 16 when turned into a vampire, though she looks much more mature than that (perhaps vampire’s age in this, the lore is almost non-existent). The romance side of the film maintains a level of unrequited love with a side dish of lust-based hook ups.

Victoria's vamp face

Anyway, Cameron is in bed when Victoria is stood above him and demands he drives her or she’ll tell his parents about his voyeurism. He can’t drive as he has no insurance but is forced to. They get to the destination and she is let in by a man who, not long after, is running out injured. She catches him and bites his neck, her face all veiny. Cameron realises what she is and he is stuck ferrying her around – his dad thinks it is a great idea for him to drive the lady who is house sitting next door. She pays his insurance.

blood on fingers

So, there isn’t much lore – the veiny face is almost all there is. She can go out in sunlight and no apotropaic methods are mentioned. The people she attacks, she says, are vampires from a rival clan who killed her lover/master. She is looking for a powerful female vampire in the town. We do notice a bite turns, which is revealed at the end of the film. She has an ability to simply appear in places (like his bedroom). She does try to seduce him but he has his unrequited love and that’s a whole thing – it is also clear that his co-worker, Liz (Margaret Race), likes him too and his crush on Diane makes him blind to that.

Cameron and Diane

The film is longer than it should be and could do with some editing. It clearly reaches back to some of the eighties high school vampire films and also includes a Cyrano de Bergerac plot. The vampirism is under-explored, the “hunts” are over quickly (and the vampires just look like regular guys, sometimes they are working, such as the rather wizened security guard). What kept me watching more than anything was the fact that Alex Matthews is genuinely engaging. But the whole thing felt plot light and not tight. The acceptance was unbelievable – not just of Victoria being a vampire and that he should help her, but in the resolution of the primary plot. Tightening the plot, deciding what it wanted to be and, dare I say it, some horror would have helped this tremendously. 3.5 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

On Demand @ Amazon US

On Demand @ Amazon UK

Mark of the Damned – review

Director: Eric Miller

Release date: 2006

Contains spoilers

A love letter to the old luchador movies (sort of, the storyline kind of chimes in with them and we have a Santo equivalent, though none of the ring matches), shot in black and white and deliberately without sound so it would be dubbed afterwards – giving it that K. Gordon Murray feel. The thing is, some love letters are better left private… but that’s a bit harsh, this had redeeming features but it perhaps was a bit too left field (and budget light) to work.

That said it did have vampires in it and also a plot supported by incomprehensible babble (I wanted to say technobabble but it was kind of that and kind of occult babble, but, whatever it was, there were swathes of incomprehensible dialogue).

guide to the Hypno Band

It starts with the Rev Amicus Mather (Josh Kennedy) talking about the dangers of spiritualism and the Hypno Band and then pointing towards his relative Cyclops (also Josh Kennnedy) on an expedition. This sees a group of explorers in an underground area searching for… something. They find some monoliths and one by one the group are kidnapped through some strange fog. Before they are all kidnapped, they try to contact Prof Hans Ramirez (Rob Burns, Vampire High) – though the professor can hear them, they can’t hear him.

Jeff Bostic as King Silver

With the expedition vanished, the film turns to the professor and he is looking after a woman named Diane (Amy Kruger). She has a strange bat-shaped birthmark and he is protecting her, though she doesn’t know it, from a cult who want to kidnap her. His motivation, however, might not be that pure. Also drawn in is King Silver (Jeff Bostic) – the aforementioned Santo equivalent. He agrees to protect her although he is also fighting a plague of zombies released by a mad scientist with an earthquake machine – the zombie plague is a bit of a red herring.

vampires

The actual enemies are a group of vampires who worship Yog-Sothoth and who, every two hundred years, get the opportunity to draw their master into our dimension by possessing the body of a specific woman marked by the sign (obviously this is Diane). Look-wise the vampires are either sallow complexioned women or wearing fanged papier mâché masks. When we first see them they attack a couple, biting and leaving the woman for dead and kidnapping the man. They use his blood to resurrect the Vampire Queen (Miriam).

the vampire queen, mummified

The resurrection sees her turning from quite a false looking mummy into the actress as mist swirls. Indeed, there is much mist in all the vampire stuff. We also get transformation into bats… sort of… actually it’s into eyeballs with bat wings. If I am story light in my run-through it’s because the story is kind of chaotic, the narrative a bit all over the place, but that is deliberate one feels. There is tech use that is Santo adjacent, such as video calling the wrestler in his car. There’s also a remote-controlled robot that is set to fight the vampire champion (who is besting the wrestler at the finale). This is a strange beast – probably best enjoyed with a beverage. 3.5 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

On DVD @ Amazon US

On DVD @ Amazon UK

Short Film: Il figlio di Dracula

This was a short by Corrado Farina from 1960 that hits the 20-minute mark. This is a much earlier film that his superb Hanno Cambiato Faccia (They Have Changed Their Face) and was included as an extra on the new Severin Film edition of the feature (found in the boxset Danza Macabre vol 2) – though it is also on YouTube without subtitles.

Dracula and son

Farina shot this in Super-8 film and the resultant grain over the black and white offers a superb atmosphere for the film. We start with a narration that suggests we are in the Carpathians, it mentions Dracula and the villagers rising up to rid themselves of the evil. They dug a tunnel for disposal of the corpse to avoid burial on hallowed earth.

Dracula and wife

We then move to two vampires – the male refers to himself as Dracula and the bride (wife) of Dracula laments about their son. He is 21 and has to develop into a full vampire by biting and drinking from a virgin victim. The Dad’s fangs/teeth are so bad that one can understand why he wouldn’t want to! The son, who makes an appearance, is sent out to fulfil his vampiric potential.

creepy messenger

He quickly makes the acquaintance of a young lady who has fallen, helps her up and walks her home. This leads to him being visited by a creepy messenger (I thought he was really effective as a character) with a message from Dad wondering what he is up to. So, he has familial pressure, sudden onset feelings for the girl and a decision to make as to whether he wants to please his father or follow his heart…

At the time of writing there was no IMDb page. The YouTube video is embedded below but it is without English subtitles.

Honourable Mention: Uzumaki

The Blurb: Kurouzu-cho, a small fogbound town on the coast of Japan, is cursed. According to Shuichi Saito, the withdrawn boyfriend of teenager Kirie Goshima, their town is haunted not by a person or being but by a pattern: uzumaki, the spiral, the hypnotic secret shape of the world. It manifests itself in everything from seashells and whirlpools in water to the spiral marks on people's bodies, the insane obsessions of Shuichi's father and the voice from the cochlea in our inner ear. As the madness spreads, the inhabitants of Kurouu-cho are pulled ever deeper into a whirlpool from which there is no return! For older teen audiences.

The Mention: This is another step down the Junji Ito rabbit hole and, thanks to an internationally released film, possibly one of his more famous concepts. This is the story of the village of Kurouzu-cho as narrated by Kirie and, unlike previously read Ito works, this is one whole story (the edition I read was the deluxe edition that collects all three mangas). The village is haunted by, cursed by even, the shape of a spiral. It starts with individual obsessions and grows chapter after chapter until it consumes the village. The story involves some stupendous body horror and a darkly Lovecraftian edge (only named as such as a simile as to be honest it is more pure Ito), which touches into cosmic horror.

stake

I have recorded this as a mention because there is a mention of vampires in passing and one chapter (that has a touch into another) that is definitely a vampire chapter, but they are small parts of the greater whole and the book itself is not a vampire story. The first mention occurs in chapter 7, entitled Jack-in-the-Bix. Mitsuru Yamaguchi is a schoolboy who loves to jump out and surprise people with a “boo”, he starts doing this to Kirie as he is attracted to her but the feelings are not reciprocated. When she refuses a present from him he, to prove his love, steps in front of a car to stop it with the power of his feelings. He is run over and dies but then haunts the poor girl after she opens the refused present (of a toy Jack-in-the-Box). Shuichi, her actual boyfriend, and she go to the cemetery to dig his corpse up (cremation has ended because of the spiral curse) and he carries a stake to hammer in his heart to prevent him coming alive – to which she responds, “I don’t think he’s a vampire”. Of course, once in the grave what would a Jack-in-the-Box do but spring out?

vampiric mothers

That was just a mention but chapter 10: Mosquitos and, in coda chapter 11: The Umbilical Cord, does contain vampires of a twisted Ito type. Mosquito sees the village plagued with mosquitos, often in spiralling columns, and they are particularly feeding on pregnant women including Kirie’s cousin Keiko. Kirie happens to be hospitalised at the time and there are attacks on patients who seem stabbed and drained of blood. Eventually Kirie faces the truth, the hospitalised pregnant women are rising from bed at night, with hand drills that they stab into patients to drink their blood, nurturing their babies (just as a female mosquito drinks blood to nurture her eggs).

The babies nourished with blood are born in the next chapter, starting with Keiko’s baby, and the mothers had taken to feeding from blood packs prior to the births. They all seem like healthy, beautiful babies. Kirie, however notices that their bellies seem to swell and manages to injure herself again prolonging her hospitalisation. The hospital starts serving a strange meaty mushroom – which she avoids – and then she discovers that the swellings under the baby clothes are cords and placentas regrowing and the “mushrooms” are from a crop of mushroom like placentas growing from where they were dropped when the babies were born. The sinister Doctor Kawamoto understands that the babies wish to return to the womb and, starting with Keiko, he opens the mother and replaces her baby but she now has to feed it and has developed a spiralled stinger where her tongue was that she can use, mosquito like, to feed. Kirie escapes the hospital and we don’t return to the symbiotic vampire mother and child. Thanks to David who got me this for Christmas.

In Hardback @ Amazon US

In Hardback @ Amazon UK

Bite School – review

Director: James Balsamo

Release date: 2015

Contains spoilers

This is not a good film, by that I mean as a piece of cinema it does not rank particularly high. However, it doesn’t try to rank high either. This film is about director and star James Balsamo (Macabre Pair of Shorts & Bloodsucka Jones Vs the Creeping Death) having fun and hanging out with a whole bunch of cult genre stars, metal musicians and porn stars (another horror appearance for Ron Jeremy). As such do not expect high art, cinematic competence or a high score. However, don’t judge it harshly on the score I give either – when taken as it is, this is a beer and pizza special.

James Balsamo meeting Ron

The story is pretty darn simple but I should mention the off-kilter Robert Palmer rip-off theme, Addicted to Blood, over colourful animation. Anyway, Tony Canoni (Balsamo) is an obnoxious multi-billionaire (actually his status vacillated between billionaire and millionaire) who is suddenly announced as broke. His girlfriend cookie (Sarah Martin) immediately dumps him and his grandfather (Herschell Gordon Lewis) declares him cut off until he gets his GED.

meeting at night school

He moves to New York, blows what money he has left at a strip club and desperately tries to borrow money from whatever person he can. He comes across George (Paul Fears) being shaken down by the Lesbian Mafia (who George owes money to), saves him and ends up staying on his couch. In return for the couch space Tony will pay off George’s debt… once they get their GEDs. Also in the mix is Vicky (Mandy Cat Kitana) a bored vampire who lives with an Hawaiian shirt wearing bat named Spat, and who decides to go to night school also.

Edward X. Young as Cladu

Vicky is the daughter of Count Cladu (Edward X. Young, Mr Hush & Mr Hush Legacy), who expects her to take her legacy as ruler and priestess of the night – which she has no interest in. There are also a load of misfit characters appearing through the film who come together at the end including ambitious vampire Veronica (Veronica Freeman) and Vinny the Vampire Slayer (Frank Mullen), who has a stake firing case that might have come straight out of El Mariachi if it had been a vampire film. 

covered in blood

So, the story is fractured, the humour often based on gross out or Tony being obnoxious but it works because the guys in it are having fun. The effects vary – the two headed bat/snake monster is strange to say the least, we get beheadings galore more often concentrating on neck stump rather than head, and quite a large amount of fake blood. There are a trio of priests and one has a dual flying guillotine that looks nothing like it should and doesn’t try to. The sound mix is, frankly, terrible. 3 out of 10 is probably fair but the film punches above that weight simply because of the fun being had.

The imdb page is here.

On DVD @ Amazon US

On DVD @ Amazon UK

Billie the Kid – review

Director: Paul Tomborello

Release Date: 2022

Contains spoilers

Billy the Kid once met Dracula, not a great film but it has a certain something that offers an enjoyment factor. This is not Billy but Billie (Olivia Hsu), our central character female, and she doesn’t take on Dracula (though he is kinda in it)... but she does find herself embroiled in the machinations of vampires in this low budget Western.

staked from the rear

The film starts with a wagon, busted, and bodies. One man runs and, aided by disorientating camera angles he is attacked for a book, which he threatens to burn. He is killed by a branch through the back (I assume he was a vampire, hence having the book) and the volume is collected by one of the attackers. The vampires are out in daylight, though they aren't daywalkers and we later discover this is due to a potion they have.

Olivia Hsu as Billie

We meet Billie and her companion Kansas (Roy Fox) on horseback. They dismount and he goes looking for water. Two riders come along and seem a little interested in Billie who has her gun ready and decides to give a warning shot into one of their shoulders. That seems to make them decide to skedaddle. Kansas returns and suggests they go into a nearby town for supplies, she isn’t happy with this as towns have wanted posters and, sure enough, they are recognised, caught and are soon in Sheriff Jack Barton’s (Frank Prell) jail.

Veronica Conran as Aleera

Nightfall, and the vampires are in a homestead surrounded by the corpses of the owners. There are two female vampires, Cassidy (Leslie Wall) and Aleera (Veronica Conran), and there is clearly no love lost between them. The male leader is in shadow and we don’t see his face. The book contains a map to a mine, where there is a treasure but it is cursed and so they cannot follow it. A mortal has to lead the way willingly. Some cowboys come along, checking in on the homestead and meet an unfortunate end for their trouble.

Zion Monroe as James

A town delegation visits the sheriff as there has been murder at the farmstead, they are led by James Underhill (Zion Monroe). The town blames Billie, despite the fact she was in jail. Barton undertakes to try and track down the culprits and suggests that Billie (as a known great tracker) helps. In return she will be offered leniency. Kansas declines to go, so it is Billie, Barton, James and a couple of deputies. What becomes readily apparent is that James is the vampire leader and he has Cassidy close at hand tracking the trackers – this is his plan to get to the mine. Aleera has gone her own way; posing as Sadie, a woman fleeing a brutish husband, she gets in with a prospector. This is with the view of manipulating him into leading her to the mine. Inevitably Barton and Billie develop an attraction.

Dracul in the mine

The treasure the vampires are looking for is not a what but a who – Dracul, an Orlok looking vampire who is said to be in a position to grant additional powers to a vampire, in the form of an ‘Elder’s Blessing’, but only one vampire can receive it. Vampires injured in the daytime, whilst using the sunlight potion, do not heal until night time. Silver will kill a vampire. We do get some background to Billie (surrounding her Pa being gunned down).

Frank Prell as Barton

This wasn’t that bad. Ok its not the greatest movie of all time but I was struck by how the dialogue sounded like authentic Western dialogue (though I am far from an expert). Barton and Billie were both genuinely likeable characters and Billie did show the occasional vulnerability but mainly was a spunky lass who knew her own mind, which was refreshing. Not a bad effort and though its lack of budget was obvious and there was nothing extraordinary about the direction or photography it all worked reasonably well. 4 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

Vamps: The Complete Collection – review

Art: William Simpson

Story: Elaine Lee

First published: 2019 (collection)

Contains spoilers

The Blurb: Every nasty thought, evil impulse, or catty remark I ever choked down in my thirty-plus years has put on flesh, hopped on a Harley, and come alive in these pages...-ELAINE LEE

Meet Howler, Screech, Whipsnake, Skeeter and Mink--five dangerously alluring female vampires thundering down America's highways on Harleys, drunk on freedom and high on octane. After killing their male master, the Vamps set out on the open road in search of a new life. But Howler, their leader, is driven by a demon from her past...one that she must vanquish before she can truly enjoy the pleasure of an undead existence.

From Elaine Lee and William Simpson comes VAMPS: THE COMPLETE COLLECTION, presenting VAMPS #1-6 and the never before collected VAMPS: HOLLYWOOD & VEIN #1-6 and VAMPS: PUMPKIN TIME #1-3, along with an introduction and afterword by Elaine Lee and extensive bonus material.

The review: I looked at a more recent vampire comic project by William Simpson entitled VMT but this was his first foray (as artist) into vampire storytelling and was mentioned to me by Leila when informing me of the release of VMT. I hadn’t read Vamps but the series, which started back in 1994, is now handily available in this collection of all the series.

killing Dave

As it starts, we meet five vampire women, all turned by a vampire named Dave. Dave holds his five brides in thrall, forcing them to hunt and feed him (no sex, however, vampire males has erectile disfunction it is later suggested). The last meal they bring him consists of bikers and, whilst he is bloated and blood drunk, they attack him, quarter him (using the Harleys) and stake him, burying the parts separately. They then go on a cross-country blood-bender, though one (Howler) has unspoken ulterior motives for the direction they take.

Howler had her child forcibly taken from her and trafficked when human and she is looking for him. Not that she can take care of a child in her vampire condition. However, she is a twin and Jenny is being drawn to her sister, through feelings, dreams and visions. Jenny has hooked up with a PI named Gallagher who is looing into the death of a trucker (one of the victims).

The first lore to really mention is that quartering and staking isn’t sure fire when it comes to killing a vampire. Parts of Dave’s body are found and, as soon as the stake is pulled, he manages to get back up and at ‘em (one arm is still buried and he manages to locate it and draw it from the earth to him). Fire and sunlight seem way surer ways of disposing of the undead. Vampires have a tie to their maker and Dave uses this to try and track down the Vamps. Vampires do not cast reflections (the comic inconsistently shows clothes not appearing or appearing in the mirror, there is a moment when a Vamp forces a wraith like reflection through sheer will) or show up on film, they can be warded by any symbol the person has faith in (as it is the faith that is important).

The vampire origin in this is really interesting. There is a tale of a pregnancy where the child did not emerge after nine months, staying in the womb for at least 12 months, subsisting on his mother’s blood until he ate her from the inside out. On bursting out of his mother’s body, he latched to her sister’s neck. She pulled him off, broke his neck and drank his blood. This made a symbiotic vampire infant and mother – she drinking from victims and he drinking from her breast. Another interesting concept was a modern evolution where a victim is left to die but resuscitated and given blood by the ambulance services, essentially creating a half vampire (and suggesting it is simply blood and not vampire blood that is important). These half-vampires can spontaneously fully turn later, with strong emotion being cited as a catalyst.

Late into the series we discover there is a vampire society, one that will give new vampires 25-years to control their murder sprees and act more subtly. Fail to do so and a death sentence is announced. The comics started quite basically, with five vampire women on a murderous spree and then added in more and more nuance as the various runs went on – building character that wasn’t necessarily there to begin with. That’s not to say the opening was poor, it was great fun but the added depth (and characterisation) enables some level of longevity to the stories. Great fun, 8 out of 10.

In Paperback @ Amazon US

In Paperback @ Amazon UK

Honourable Mention: Unveiling: The Horse Demon

This was a 2019 film by Neal 'Buboy' Tan, set between the Philippines (primarily) and the UK (at the head of the film) and despite some real story/continuity issues actually becomes quite a fair film looking at Philippine folklore. It is primarily about the tikbalang, or horse demon, which is not a vampiric creature. However, we do get some vampire moments, if only fleetingly.

The film, after a view of a woman in labour with a supernatural air, follows Mario (Guy Lockwood), a young man in London who likes to train and do a martial art. In a hospital a woman is in agony. He visits her and the Doctor says they can’t find out why. Turns out that, despite the actress looking his age, she’s his mom and she tells him to go to the Philippines and seek out his father if he wants her to live.

Guy Lockwood as Mario

In the Philippines we get a long section of him being robbed and momentarily jailed due to fighting back (and then somehow moving on despite losing all his belongings including his passport and money, and somehow able to take selfies with an iPad) and disliking the Filipino people. As things move on, he discovers they are generically lovely folk (his hatred being a reverse racism from growing up and being bullied) and going deeper into the islands looking for his dad. A couple of people accompany him and get murdered by supernatural creatures (and nothing more is said about them) and he discovers his supernatural legacy.

manananggal 

So… vampires. The first might be a dream, whilst staying with a friendly couple. He hears something, exits the hut and sees a manananggal split in two and then fly at him. This is the most obvious visitation and whilst drawn like a dream we need to remember he has little knowledge of the Philippines (his mother moved to England when he was 6). Aswang (which are named vampires in the subtitles) are also mentioned and we see a variety of low budget creatures including aswang and we see some man/dog transformation, which is an aswang trait. There is a naïve earnestness when we get to the more supernatural element of the film despite the ham-fisted storytelling.

The imdb page is here.

On Demand @ Amazon US

On Demand @ Amazon UK