Honourable mention: Bite me

From 2008, Jason Michael Fong (Bloodthirst 2: Revenge of the Chupacabra) who wrote, directed and starred to bring us a wry look at dating in the form of Bite Me.

Drake (Jason Michael Fong) arrives at Last-Minute Mate Speed Dating hoping to find love. The hostess, Nell (Brenda Cepeda), immediately notes that he is a vampire. When he gives his full name it is Drake Yu-Law, Nell thinks the hyphen funny but Drake explains that it is common in Chinese families, with the name made up of father’s surname and mother’s maiden name. She then realises that, with his first name, it sounds awfully like Dracula – Drake’s parent’s twisted humour.

signing up to speed dating

When he is asked how old he is, he admits he is 251, leading to a comment from Nell about him being long in the tooth! However whenever Drake tries some gentle humour she accuses him of sassing her. As it is he goes through and meets Vanessa (Natalise), another vampire – who doesn’t date vampires and looks down her nose at him, when she can be bothered looking at him at all.

Katherine Fullenlove as Sara

Next is Sara (Katherine Fullenlove) a goth with a thing for vampires. Indeed she only dates vampires and, much to his disgust, starts showing off her collection of bite marks. She really doesn’t care about his career as an accountant (inspired by Count von Count). Next he meets Preston (Owen Thomas) but when Drake protests, explaining that he is isn’t gay, Interview with the Vampire is cited as proof that actually all vampires are gay. Will Drake actually find love?

Jason Michael Fong as Drake

This was a really cute little film that explored dating issues using the medium of vampirism… yet again the figure of the vampire proving itself to be very versatile. The genre reference through are fun, though perhaps it petered out at the end (saying that I couldn’t see any other way the film could have ended being any more satisfying).

The imdb page is here.

Terror of Dracula – review

Director: Anthony D.P. Mann

Release date: 2012

Contains spoilers

An indie (and budget constrained) version of Dracula, can be problematic, it really can. If we remember Alucard or (in a related subject matter) Dracula’s Guest, we remember films that, kindly, were more ambitious than talent or money would allow for.

Anthony D P Mann has created his version of Dracula and his inspiration are the Euro-horrors that are, certainly for me, a staple of the genre. The film even goes as far as having a legend at the head of the feature suggesting that this is a lost film of the golden euro-horror era. By tackling Dracula, by playing with the story, by aspiring to Hammer, Amicus, Franco and the raft of other classic 60s/70s euro-horror, Mann has set himself a very tall order. But… just look at the movie poster… such sensibilities can go a long way… and they do. Is it perfect, no. Is it a valiant effort? Very much so.

fangs

As in most versions of Dracula the order and characters are moved around. Rather than concentrate on the story as such, I will concentrate on the differences and trust that you know the story in its original form. It begins with Jonathon Harker (Matt Davis) in a wood, he hears the voice of Mina (Denise Wedge). It is a day for night shot that uses filters but such a technique fits in with the euro-horror sensibility. He finds her and holds her but she is cold to touch. We see fangs and Jonathon bolts awake in hospital.

triggering Harker's memories

He is in hospital in Bucharest and this is the first time he has awoken compos mentis. Matron Agatha (Andrea Hiltz) explains where he is, that he has a brain fever and that he has suffered from nightmares. He had a letter in his pocket and as he reads it, and we discover it is the letter from Dracula welcoming him to the Carpathians, he remembers what has befallen him.

Renfield becomes a plot device

Meanwhile, in Fisher’s Sanatorium in Whitby we meet Renfield (Barry Yuen). The film fleshes him out somewhat, in respect of back story and profession, but then sidelines him as little more than a plot device. In this Renfield was a doctor who, in a moment of psychosis, murdered and butchered his landlord. The courts handed him over to his colleague John Seward (Dick Miller) for care. The idea that he would end up in a sanatorium is, frankly, quite ropey but the idea that Seward runs a sanatorium makes more sense than a psychiatrist making GP house calls in the original novel. Renfield talks about his master – a simile is drawn between Dracula and a spider, which is a feature of the film.

Quincy and Lucy

Mina is staying with her friends Lucy (Angela Scott) and Quincy Morris (Ilke Hinger). Quincy is still American, has business dealings over there but has married Lucy and they live in Whitby (the Arthur character has fallen by the way side). Lucy is ill and Quincy has called for a family friend, Professor Van Helsing (Terry Wade). When the Professor does arrive he notes what the problem is and tries to save Lucy. Seward only comes into contact with these characters as a physician called when Lucy has died. Renfield by that point is dead – killed for saying too much about his master – and this leads to a comparison of the two deaths.

Brides attack

Jonathon, in Bucharest, tells his story. There are familiar moments, such as being given a cross in the carriage but, in this version, he surreptitiously throws it from the transport into the mud. There are also moments that are changed. When he meets the brides (Noelle Piche, Angela Faulkner & Vikki Jin) he is saved by Dracula (Anthony D.P. Mann) – this man is mine – who gives the brides a baby to snack on but then, seeing that the legal papers were drawn up, Dracula strikes Harker in the throat. The brutal (near) dispatching of Harker was interesting (he does not know how he managed to get away but realises they must have left him for dead). However the saving him from the brides seems almost redundant.

ending the bloofer lady

What was a nice change was the fact that the brides track Harker back to Bucharest, adding a new aspect to the story that might well have been expanded on further. Back in Whitby, whilst London is cut from the equation, the bloofer lady moments are kept in place. Mr Swales (Rick Cairns) still features but he is met by Mina and Van Helsing and relates the story of the Demeter after Lucy has died and then her vampiric form has been dealt with.

Dracula with dark hair

This is clearly a film on a budget, but I was impressed with how the filmmakers took that into account. The chosen locations/sets worked well. I was never thrown out of my suspension of belief due to poor location. Some of the photography appears to have been stylistically curtailed, however, as they ensured the more judicious angles (to make the locations work) were maintained. The film feels much more like a drama than a horror but I think the decision to not show much (that other films might have tried to mash together an effect for) and hint was the correct choice, there was one poor jet of blood that looked probably cgi but it was a blip. Of course there are other complaints, for instance, whilst I liked the idea that Dracula's facial hair went from grey to dark, the dark hair looked poor. However positives outweigh, considerably, any negatives.

Terry Wade as Van Helsing

Let me also talk accents, there were many well done accents in the film and, frankly, some really rather impressive performances. I want to single out Terry Wade who managed to pull off an accented Van Helsing that did not sound ridiculous at all and thus managed to greatly impress. I was less impressed with Dick Miller’s Seward. I just didn’t feel he had the strength as an actor to pull the character off. I think the unfortunate bit was that this would have been less noticeable if Wade’s performance hadn’t been so strong.

Okay, the film is not perfect but I was impressed. It has faults – definitely – and not all of the story changes worked for me. But for the budget ($15,000 according to IMDb) they did remarkable things and made a film that I found very watchable. 6 out of 10.

The IMDb page is here and the homepage is here.

Fred 2: Night of the Living Fred – review

Director: John Fortenberry

Release date: 2011

Contains spoilers

You know what? It might be my age… but I just didn’t get it. I had never heard of Fred Figglehorn – a character created for YouTube by Lucas Cruikshank and played by him in this. Turns out he was the focus of a comedy webshow, a six year old in a dysfunctional family. This got translated to him being a teen played by Cruikshank in this (and an earlier film).

As soon as he opened his mouth I wondered what the Hell I had let myself in for – this squeaky voice appeared, the most annoying sub-Pee-Wee voice, but… well it has vampires in it and it is aimed at a kid’s audience after all, and I should give credit where its due and… no, the voice is simply the most annoying thing I have ever heard.

Seth Morris as Mr Devlin

So Fred is now a teen who has discovered that his favourite music teacher, Mrs Felson (Irene Roseen), has been replaced by a Mr Devlin (Seth Morris). The reason that he liked her so much was because she liked his playing – she was deaf and never wore her hearing aid. Mr Devlin has moved into a house near Fred. Fred also feels he is being stalked by a young girl, later revealed to be called Talia (Ariel Winter).

Lucas Cruikshank as Fred

Mr Devlin starts offering private piano lessons and Fred feels a rivalry with a bullish young man called Kevin (Jake Weary) – I understand that this harks back to the first film – but Kevin’s mother (Stephanie Courtney) is having a welcome to the neighbourhood party for Mr Devlin and Fred and his Mom (Siobhan Fallon) are invited. Whilst his Mom flirts with Devlin, Fred discovers that Talia is Kevin’s sister, this revelation leads to screaming histrionics.

the evil mansquito

Now, one of the problems that Fred has is an over-developed imagination. He speaks to his absent father who takes the form of WWE wrestler John Cena and who lives in a fridge. Essentially you can never tell what is real and what isn’t with him. He spots Devlin burying something in the backyard and assumes the worse. The next day at school he decides Devlin is a mosquito-man-alien and imagines himself spiked in the chest and drained… but this is not our vampire connection.

Dracula cereal for breakfast

Whilst eating some Count Dracula themed breakfast cereal he puts two and two together and gets vampire. The clues are obvious, as well as Devlin burying things in his yard, Kevin is sporting a Robert Pattinson hairdo (and so must have been turned) and Devlin carries an umbrella in the sun. He has a fantasy moment of the kids from school and Devlin as vampires, them all after Talia. He is there with a buff Jacob-esque body and turns into a toy dog to rescue her.

fighting Kevin the vampire

His obsession leads to Fred and his best friend Bertha (Daniella Monet) following his Mom and Devlin on a date (raw steak is consumed). Eventually there is an assault on a piano recital with a super-soaker of garlic sauce – this scene happens twice. It goes well in Fred’s head but leaves him a laughing stock in reality. Following this he is invited to Devlin’s for dinner and webcasts the event (until he loses his phone). He ends up liking Devlin but everyone else thinks the teacher is weird (or a vampire), due to the webcast, and he loses his job.

Fred the vampire

Fred’s plan then becomes one of convincing the world that he is a vampire so they’ll forget about Devlin. This works but the film codas with Devlin not casting a reflection (this might just be in Fred’s head again).

Cena as Fred's dad

The thing is… it just wasn’t really funny. It relied on the antics and voice of Fred and, candidly, for me it was like listening to someone running their fingers down a blackboard, again and again and again. The film gives the WWE some free publicity (not only is Cena in the film but a fantasy section takes place at a wrestling match). Overall I was less than impressed.

One assumes there are Fred fans out there, I apologise but I guess he is a love him or hate him character. I hated him and as the film hinges entirely on the character then I cannot score it highly. 2 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

Drak Pack – review

Director: Chris Cuddington

First aired: 1980

Contains spoilers

The best way to introduce the Drak Pack – to those unfamiliar with the cartoon series – is to quote the show’s opening narration, voiced by John Stephenson:

“From the monsters of the past comes a new generation, dedicated to reversing the evil image of their forefathers. Under the leadership of none other than Count Dracula --known as "Big D"-- three teenagers form the do-gooder group, named, "The Drak Pack".

O.G.R.E.

“With special powers, they can transform into super, mighty monsters and use their skills against all evil-doers, especially the diabolical Dr. Dred, and his renegade rowdies: Toad, Fly, Mummy Man, and Vampira. A group known as O.G.R.E. --the Organization of Generally Rotten Enterprises

“It’s right verses wrong, good over greed, niceness against naughtiness... That's the dedication of the terrific trio --Frankie, Howler, and Drak, Jr… The Drak Pack!”

the pack

Yes, the Drak Pack was an Hanna Barbara foray into a monster cartoon and whilst it might be reminiscent, somewhat, of the Groovie Goolies, featuring as it did the classic triumvirate of vampire, werewolf and Frankenstein Monster, it actually had stories (which is more than the Goolies did) and they were actually very watchable cartoons. Indeed the show probably had more in common with the live action Monster Squad series.

Big D

The show was referential in parts – for instance Drak Jr would often come out with “It’s the old {fill in the blank} trick” which referenced Get Smart. Drak could turn into a variety of creatures – though he preferred bat form, he had telekinetic powers, could fly and turn to smoke. Of course he wasn’t the only vampire on the show. Big D had retired and, to make up for the naughtiness of the past, he had set the pack on their do-gooder path. There was also Vampira, in OGRE, who sported an Eva Gabor accent.

Drak Jr

The best baddy, however, with the sycophantic Toad, a Peter Lorre-like, in both looks and voice, his catch phrase of “Bad Toad, bad Toad!” is one that I carried with me from seeing this as a kid. Other memorable moments include the Drak Whack, where the three slap their hands together and shout “Whack-o” in order to turn into their monster forms.

The Drak pack is a cartoon that is still as fun now, as it was then. Well worth catching on DVD, as it contains the full first and only series. 7 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.
;)Q

Aswang – review

Director: Jerrold Tarog

Release date: 2011

Contains spoilers

This is a Filipino movie and a loose reimagining of the Gallaga and Reyes 1992 film of the same name (I’m, at time of review, still trying to hunt that film down).

The first thing to note is that the term aswang can be, very much, an over-arching name or, perhaps the best way to describe it is, a genus. The actual creatures in this are called Abwak, in film, or Aswang-Bayawak-Uwak, as the DVD blurb labels them.

Manuel in the field

The film starts with a voice telling us that *we* are considered imaginary but *we* await a time to return. In a field a blind woman, Guada (Kalila Aguilos), and her husband, Manuel (Jake Macapagal), sit beneath a shelter. She ties his headscarf for him and then he goes to work the fields as she makes her way on her business. A crow caws. He sees two young girls at the edge of the field, he looks away and then there is only one there. Suddenly something is moving below the earth towards him. He runs and Guada, hearing the commotion, yells about reaching the rocks. It is too late, the earth opens below him and he is dragged in.

the gang

In a vehicle, outside a house, sit Gido (Marc Abaya), Queenie (Niña Jose) and Daniel (Paulo Avelino), they all have guns. Inside the house Gabriel (Albie Casiño), a teen, studies whilst his little sister Ahnia (Jillian Ward) plays a video game. Their father, an attorney, gets home. This is a cue for the three villains to approach the house. Daniel waits outside as Gido and Queenie assassinate servants and family members alike. However the children manage to get out of the house and into their father’s car. Daniel cannot bring himself to shoot and they get away.

An abwak

They manage to get into Manila, but Gabriel’s father suggested that he should not rely on the police if anything ever happened and it does, as he contemplates going in, look like they are corrupt. He decides to drive to their uncle's house. Unfortunately, out in the country, they run out of petrol. They sleep in the car for the night. During the night a drunken man from a nearby town, is attacked by an Abwak.

Lovi Poe as Hasmin

In the morning they are awoken by a procession going past. They follow it and pass a plantation gate. A young woman, Hasmin (Lovi Poe), sees them and follows the procession. Suddenly there is the sound of crows and the villagers spot movement under the earth heading towards them. The people in the procession run as the Abwaks are hunting. Hasmin takes Gabriel and Ahnia to an old woman’s home for safety – she happens to be Guada (Gigi Escalante). Meanwhile the three killers have found the abandoned car and get to the town.

Paulo Avelino as Daniel

So, as things move along we have the killers looking to tie up loose ends (the kids) but Daniel – whose heart isn’t in it – falling for Hasmin. The film actually gives us a lot of backstory for Daniel; the son of a murdered security guard he hunted down his father’s killers, was caught and forced to work for the very organisation that had his father killed. As for Hasmin, it isn’t a shocker to learn that she is an Abwak, but she doesn’t eat. She is being forced to marry an ancient Abwak, Moises (Bembol Roco), as she is a rarity – one who can make other Abwaks…

Hasmin reveals her Abwak nature

As for the monsters, they can take the form of crows or lizards that run below the earth. They normally hunt later in the year but they have started early (this is not gone into in depth). The mayor of the town is meant to be covering the roads with concrete to make the town safe (though this will only prevent underground attacks) but has not sorted the roads in the poorer area of the town.

Moises and Hasmin

Hasmin creates another by tonging them with a long lizard tongue and the Abwaks develop red eyes and scaly skin when in their true form. Head shots seem to be the best way to kill them (though Hasmin looks set to stab Moises). They eat humans and will sometimes eek the kill out over days – one captured character is told that they will wait to drink her blood until the third day, eating bits of her flesh whilst she still lives.

Bloody mouth

The film looks a little cheap – due to the video camera shooting – and the acting is not brilliant, however the leads (Avelino and Poe) are charismatic enough to carry their parts. There is plenty I wish they had gone deeper into – mainly around the Abwaks, their society, the arranged marriage and why they were hunting early. However the film throws several story strands at you in order to keep the viewer interested and I didn’t find the long running time (111 minutes) dragging.

It is always good to get a look at the complex mythology of the Aswang and whilst I wish this had shone more of a light on the creature than it did I can say it was interesting for what it did offer. 5.5 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

Lupin the Third: Lupin Becomes a Vampire – review

Directed by: Kyosuke Mikuriya

First aired: 1978

Contains spoilers

This was a suggestion for review by Alexander, over at Freaks and Fiends. Indeed this wasn’t the first review suggestion by Alexander (and the other is queued in the ‘to watch’ pile) and I’d like to offer sincere thanks for the suggestions.

Lupin the Third was a manga that became anime and was the brainchild of Monkey Punch. It concentrated on Arsène Lupin the third, genius thief and grandson of Maurice Leblanc’s gentleman thief Arsène Lupin (copyright, at the time the series first aired, be damned). In the anime Lupin is aided by the marksman Daisuke Jigen and the swordsman Goemon Ishikawa XIII and sometimes the femme fatale character Fujiko Mine, who also serves as a love interest. He is hunted by the policeman Inspector Koichi Zenigata.

archaeological find

This episode begins with an archaeological dig. A coffin has been dug up and it contains a woman clutching a gold statue of the virgin Mary. The surrounding earth has been carbon-dated and they have ascertained that the coffin has been buried for 2000 years. The woman has a thin heartbeat and it seems that she is in suspended animation. The woman and the statue are to be separated and studied. Zenigata appears concerned that Lupin will try to steal the statue and declares himself head of security.

Lupin and his gang

Jigen is playing with cards and pulls an ace of spades. He has a bad feeling about the proposed job and asks Goemon to tell their future. His reading suggests disaster. Lupin isn’t impressed with the superstitious nonsense and heads out to do the job. Over at the hospital, the woman vanishes from her bed and bats head towards the archaeology centre where Zenigata has electrified the safe and set up a camera watching it. This is of no concern to Lupin who is using a remote system to get in the safe.

wolf and carriage

Jigen and Goemon have followed Lupin and see a wolf running with a driverless carriage, which transports a casket. Once Lupin has the statue the wolf steals it. He chases after the carriage and crashes into it. The casket is marked Camilla – clearly a reference to Carmilla – and she is resident within. He takes her to an underworld hospital, where a drunken doctor announces her anaemic. Again she vanishes but Lupin finds her in a graveyard and they embrace. His men come to the rescue but it is too late, he has been bitten and Lupin and Camilla escape together.

Fujiko is to be scarificed

Jigen and Goemon head to Hiraki village, where they meet Fujiko (at first disguised as a rock and roll tour guide who tells them that this is the village in which Jesus died – Golgotha being a myth). However, despite protections of garlic and crosses (and Goemon being unsure of the cross as his family belongs to the Shinto religion), the vampire Lupin kidnaps Fujiko and takes her to Camilla, who will use her as a sacrifice. Can Jigen and Goemon save the day and turn Lupin back to human?

Mary's twin children

There is a very interesting aspect of lore that comes up as the episode goes on, as well as two references that are worth mentioning. Camilla explains that there was a shooting star over Bethlehem 2000 years before and Mary gave birth to twins – Jesus and herself. She was born as a vampire and Joseph abandoned her in fear, leaving her to be brought up by a wolf and bats. Years later she stole the statue of Mary from a church as Jesus loved it and ran away to Japan – hiding by inducing suspended animation. Jesus followed her but didn’t find her, eventually dying in the village. I was fascinated by this twisting of Christian mythos.

Lupin the vampire

The two references worth noting are to, firstly, the Fearless Vampire Killers and the heroes becoming unstuck because of a mirror in a vampire ball and also that the ending owes a debt to the ending of Scars of Dracula. The animation is dated, but actually that serves to give the entire thing a retro-look and whilst the episode might serve to raise at least one logical question (with regard the things that Lupin does in episode) it was great fun. 7 out of 10.

The episode's imdb page is here.

Deathstalker 2 – review

Director: Jim Wynorski

Release date: 1987

Contains spoilers

Not a sequel to the film Deathstalker, bar the name and the sword and sandal premise, this film even had a different actor – John Terlesky – playing Deathstalker, in this the character becoming the self-styled Prince of Thieves. Indeed there were, as far as I know, four Deathstalker films and each one had a different actor playing the lead character.

This was, as you can see above, a Jim Wynorski flick and if we look to some of the films he helmed, which we have already covered on the blog, we see such films as Transylvania Twist (which featured Deathstalker 2 actresses Monique Gabrielle and Toni Naples), Vampirella (in which John Terlesky briefly appeared), Not of this Earth (1988) (which also provided a role for Monique Gabrielle) and Vampire in Vegas. This is not a great pedigree of films – though some provide cheesy fun.

John Terlesky as Deathstalker

That is the epitaph that should be put on Deathstalker 2’s restless grave: Cheesy Fun. It is not a great film but it is fine when grated on toast – indeed all the actors are clearly in on the cheesy joke, as the rightly should be given them performing against Styrofoam sets, and all appear to be having a great time. It is a rubbish film, but it is a genuinely fun film. It should also be noted that this was nearly an ‘Honourable Mention’. One character is clearly a vampire, but the vampire aspect is restricted to one scene. However, as that characteristic kind of underpins the character I left this as a review.

escaping the tower

It begins with Deathstalker in a Styrofoam castle, stealing a gem. As soon as steals it the guards are after him and he fights his way through the castle until throwing himself out of a window and jumping on his horse. A female warrior, Sultana (Toni Naples), looks out of the window and swears she’ll get revenge “and Deathstalker too!” – the Deathstalker 2 credit appears. (Do you see what they did there!!)

you can't beat a couple of loose women

A woman, Evie (Monique Gabrielle), is being kicked out of town. She is a seer but the king didn’t like the idea offered in her visions that the Queen was to become pregnant – by another man. As she protests to the guards she manages to honk them off and they become more violent. A passing Deathstalker beats them but is subsequently dismissive of Evie. He goes in a tavern and picks up a couple of loose women instead.

buckling the swash

Evie goes to find him and is attacked by guards again, which descends into a full tavern brawl (where the topless dancers continue to bounce for the viewer!) The tavern itself was another really poor set and Evie takes Deathstalker out the back door of the set and eventually they get, after a chase, to Evie’s hut. She tells him his future, a future where he will rescue a Princess held by Jarek (John Lazar) who is both an evil sorcerer and master swordsman. Off they go to the rescue…

a random hog man

Actually Evie – who later gives her name as Reena – is the Princess. She has been duplicated by Jarek and her evil counterpart is on the throne and it is that evil counterpart who is our vampire. At one point she holds her hand up as it is fading in and out (in a really poor effect). Seemingly this happens and is happening more and more often. She calls for the guards who bring her the cure.

Evil Evie after feeding

A scrawny young man (Nick Sardansky) is brought to her. She calls him over and the camera cuts to outside her chamber. We hear screaming and slurping noises. When we return Evil Evie has blood at her mouth and the boy has gone accept for a desiccated (okay rubber) face set in a scream, which she adds to her headboard.

all that remains is dust

Other than that we have two aspects that are (or may be) vampiric. Later Evil Evie gets all in the face of Deathstalker (literally) and uses her sexuality to try and mesmerise him… okay that it more Vamp than vampire but we also get her crumbling to dust on death (not much of a spoiler, to be fair, as the script and story is as clichéd as hell and so she would have to die).

Toni Naples as Sultana

So cheese, cheese and more cheese. Corny one liners and a graveyard falser than that depicted in Plan 9 from Outer Space, complete with zombies. This little film makes Hawk the Slayer (which I adore in a guilty pleasure sort of way) look like high drama. But all of that is what makes it fun, and it is fun. 3 out of 10 is all the film could possibly deserve (and is probably way too generous) but also, in itself, it fails to reflect the cheesy fun, the mud wrestling, the fight to the death with an Amazonian warrior (Queen Kong), exploding arrows, plywood signs and all the rest.

The imdb page is here.