Teen Vamp – review

Director: Samuel Bradford

Release date: 1989

Contains spoilers

So, I owe this film an apology… just a little one mind. I have this on DVD and it predates the blog and there were many films that I had before starting TMtV and I went back to them and reviewed them (easier, of course, with those I loved). This I remember being pants and never want back to.

Fast forward to now and I saw and picked up a limited German Blu-Ray of the film with cushioned mediabook, internal booklet (in German of course) and two other DVD films (unlisted but one is Frankenstein and Me and the other is Boltneck) and so, of course, watched the film for what must have been the first time in a couple of decades. And it’s… not as bad as I remember. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a good film by any stretch but neither is it going into my Worst 100. I will say that the Blu-Ray has a fab cover, there are also 2 alternate German 1 disc Blu-Rays with different fab covers.

Beau Bishop as Murphy

The film starts with a voiceover and its central character Murphy Gilcrease (Beau Bishop), a nerdy looking high school student who talks about the challenges of being different in the bible belt. It’s the 1950s (clearly referenced as such with the cars, the rock and roll high school aesthetic and mention of the Korean War – but with anachronisms in the props, for instance a US flag with too many stars for the historical period) and Murphy… well let’s be honest, he actually looks like he’s in his thirties! (Actually, Beau Bishop was 27.) They are in sex ed and the teacher picks on him for not paying attention an this causes bully and quarterback Bucky (Evans Dietz) to pick on him.

Angie Brown as Conny

Murphy has a crush on Conny Sutton (Angie Brown) and, in the corridor, finally plucks up the courage to ask her out and despite laughing in his face she actually manages to be kind-of sweet as she blows him off. Back at home, Murphy’s dad is vegetative and his mom (Karen Carlson) is a strict bible-belt-wasp who complains about the new house of prostitution said to have opened (at a nearby bar and motel area). Murphy has a job, with his buddy Dalbert (Edd Anderson), dealing Concession Sales at the football. He and Dalbert then go out to the post-match bonfire.

vampire prostitute

Murphy had falsely suggested to Dalbert that Conny was meeting him, and had a rubber with him, but of course she blows past him and goes off with Bucky, so him and Dalbert go to find the prostitute (Murphy does try to intervene with Bucky on Conny's behalf, as they leave,  as she looks distressed, but is chased away). They have enough money for one of them, so Murphy suggests he’ll pick the prostitute up and convince her to give Dalbert a go for free. He goes in to the bar, is age challenged, mentioned being in Korea, gets a free drink, meets an actual sailor and finally is approached by the prostitute. They go to a room and, of course, she bites him. He is rescued by an impatient Dalbert. Murphy is very worse for wear but also rather hungry, he soon discovers, when they hit a deer with the car.

teen vamp

Being bitten by a vampire turns you, but it also turns you from geek to James Dean wannabe. Murphy goes from zero to superfly and Conny is suddenly interested; though later we discover that she might be a tad unhinged, just ask the cat she set on fire, and her interest might be more in becoming a vampire – she even takes Murphy to a murder house (which is haunted) for a date. Murphy’s mom wants him exorcised and drafts in a reverend (Clu Gulager, Mystery in Dracula’s Castle). If a vampire is killed (by stake) then anyone the vampire turned will become human again (with a chain reaction for anyone the now ex-vampire turned) and so an accidentally turned Bucky wants to stake Murphy.

snacking on road kill 

Is it good? Is it heck. However, it isn’t the stinker I had built it to be in my head – perhaps I have just seen so many worse vampire films since I last watched it, but it does have a certain primitive 80s charm (whilst genuinely failing to be funny). It's worth mentioning that I was doing some quick research before writing this and found an essay by Beau Bishop (under George Bishop) about the film, entitled I Was a Teenage Vampire, and it is very worth reading. In it he says, “I’d convinced myself that Teen Vamp could—if necessary—be read as an allegory for AIDS in America.” To be honest, the feel on re-watch was that it was an (albeit ham-fisted) allegory of STDs. I think it deserves a kind 2.5 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

On DVD @ Amazon US

On Blu-Ray @ Amazon UK