Haunted Hotties – review

Director: Dean McKendrick

Release date: 2022

Contains spoilers

At first glimpse, you’d think that this is one of those films that was clearly shot as an adult movie but then had all the sex stripped out and released as a feature. An example of this sort of film, out in the wild, is Tomb of the Werewolf that had scenes intimating sex, a quick fumble and then fade to black. It was also released under the title The Unliving with the scenes in full, though they were softcore. That is not the case here and I doubt that this will get a second release under a different title with the (expunged) sex added back in as it is actually several films cut together.

vampires

The film isn’t totally sanitised as it is part set in a strip club and therefore there is some level of nudity. It is also under the Full Moon stable and with it they reset the bar, already very low with I, Vampiri: Trilogy of Blood, even lower, offering an incoherent film that literally vampirizes bits of other films for its storylines and then adds them in with their scenes out of order (and not in a clever non-linear way). We get story threads that do not relate to each other as they’re from other films and actors in multiple unrelated (though in one case similar) roles. IMDb does not list the editor and the listed director, Dean McKendrick, may have been listed because he did direct (or even edit) this or may have been listed as he directed three of the four butchered films. 

the 'lab'

Anyhoo, I'll try and pull a 'coherent' synopsis together... A man, Jennings (Frankie Dell), in a bow tie, with a girl named Rachel (Misty Stone) in club gear, walk into a house. It isn’t the start of a joke; I wish it was. He is a professor and met her in a club and she has come home with him but he hasn’t brought her home for sex, oh no (though I am guessing that it happened in the film this is based on, which after some googling turned out to be the rather literally titled Invisible Centerfolds), instead he shows her his lab. There are some scenes interspersed that I’ll get to. His lab consists of a folding table and some beakers etc. He then shows her an empty fish tank, invisible fish he claims, and then an empty cage – the invisible parrot squawks. He’s ready for human trials – Rachel is not keen on the idea and is quickly out of there.

Zombie Housewives

As mentioned, during this we get some scenes from other films, such as a woman (Karlie Montana) in a kitchen who seems to be in a trance. She is the professor’s wife but not in the invisibility plotline, rather these scenes are from College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives in which the professor is called Gary not Jennings. In this unrelated plotline he works in an actual lab, rather than from home, and has created a female libido serum but it soon becomes clear that it has the side effect of putting users in a trance and makes them violent – essentially zombies. Incidentally, he apparently hasn’t tested it on humans yet (that occurs later with his lab colleague (Mary Carey)) so his wife shouldn’t be in a trance.

Alexa and Jane

We also get scenes from Erotic Vampires of Beverley Hills, starting with Jane (Jacqui Holland, Teeth and Blood & Brides of Sodom) gossiping and telling her friend Stacy (Jazy Berlin) that someone moved into the house over the road in the middle of the night, with no luggage (yes, it does sound awfully Fright Night). They go over as a “welcome wagon” but no one answers the door and so Jane goes snooping round the side of the house and from that we can see it was shot in the same house as Invisible Centerfolds due to an identical picture seen through the window. The Professor hasn’t answered because in this plotline he doesn’t live there, rather a vampire called Morticia (Adriana Chechik) has taken residence (the character Vlad, from the source film, is not introduced in this film and has met the cutting room floor) and, through the film, Jane meets a female vampire hunter, Alexa (Sarah Hunter), and it culminates in some eye mojo and a threesome (or so it seems, as we cut to black and the adult scene joins Vlad on the cutting room floor).

the club

The other plot line lifts scenes from Twilight Vamps (the one film collated here that was not directed by Dean McKendrick) and involves two guys going to a strip club. Roger (Tony Marino) has just been promoted and Jack (Frankie Cullen, Vampire in Vegas) is celebrating with him. They catch the attention of a hostess/dancer, Tabitha (Brandin Rackley, also Vampire in Vegas) who takes a shine to Jack and brings over dancer Angela (Christine Nguyen), who takes Roger to the VIP area. Roger gets eaten (they’re vampires, of course). Jack blows off Tabitha as he has a girl at home (never seen as she hits the cutting room floor). This is one confused storyline as he gets her address but we don’t see him go there in the next scene. Rather, he is in jail – for the murder of Roger – and a cop (Ted Newsome) speaks to him (as does Angela) and he knows they’re vampires. Later he is with the cop, identifying Roger’s corpse but it is clear that he hasn’t been arrested yet nor does he know what the women are, then he’s back in jail and being bailed. At the end of the film, he goes to her 1313 Mockingbird Lane address (!) though this should have been before the jail scene. Twilight Vamps wasn’t a great film but it didn’t deserve this. Messy.

yup, a Gorilla suit

The invisibility storyline has the Professor meeting a woman (also Christine Nguyen, playing yet another character) who wants to be invisible, but their conversation is overheard by a mobster (Andrew Espinoza Long) on the run. The mobster turns up at the Professor's house (after it has been tested) with a companion (Krissy Lynne) who he has drink a serum he finds – which isn’t the right one and turns her into a gorilla (no kidding, we get a gorilla suit). The libido serum ends with three “zombie” women attacking three cheerleaders – including Christine Nguyen as a zombie housewife in yet another role. None of it is meant to be together and so none of it makes sense as you watch it.

vampire 101

If all that was confusing, imagine what it was like to watch. To be truthful despite being from multiple films this isn’t badly shot, though it isn’t the greatest photography it is, at least, competent across the board. However, it is the editing that kills it, a slapdash affair that throws in multiple storylines from multiple films, that don’t belong together, for no good reason. Worse still is moving the scenes out of sequence in the various storylines, which shows a lack of care that is just awful. 0 out of 10 is down to the editing and the exploitation of the audience, the film is considerably less than the sum of its parts.

The imdb page is here.

On Demand @ Amazon US

On Demand @ Full Moon via Amazon UK