Director: Jason Hawkins
Release date: 2022
Contains spoilers
A Christmas themed vampire movie – excellent, there just aren’t enough but, unfortunately, this one didn’t set my Christmas Spirit soaring. Whilst I liked the concept, I just felt the whole thing was lacklustre and I’m struggling to put my finger on why. It’s partly the pace, partly the scripting but despite some interesting individual characters I was not wowed.
It starts with Ivan (Lukas Verri-Singer) running down the street and then we realise he is chased by Santa – who is actually Marco (Steve Larkin, Mutant Vampires from the Planet Neptune) a loan shark who catches Ivan, roughs him up and demands his $10k (from a $5K loan). He threatens to shoot Ivan’s dog (he doesn’t have one) and, when it becomes apparent that he has no pets, his grandma. Ivan gets back to (what I assume is a) dorm room and meets Josh (Calvin Morie McCarthy, also Mutant Vampires from the Planet Neptune). Ivan borrowed the money so that he and Josh could make a film… we go back in time…
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| Jessica, Josh and Ivan |
Having read Josh’s script Ivan is excited to make the slasher movie. They borrow the money and put posters up and, before auditioning, meet Jessica (Sanae Loutsis) - a young lady much into horror films and the trivia thereof, who offers to work (as a PA) for nothing. Much of the interaction between her and Josh is composed of trivia of invented movies (at one point they mention the film Vampire Holocaust but don’t think they referred to the actual one). We watch the auditions, which is meant to introduce us to our characters – the primary ones being Lauren (Chynna Rae Shurts) – who Josh fancies and does, in fact, get together with, Evan (Bransen Sands Koehler) and the caretaker Bob (Jason Reynolds) who happens to walk into the audition and is hired for his silent stoicism.
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| shooting the film |
We then get the filming of the movie (or edited highlights thereof) and the screening at a festival. To be honest this was all a bit much, despite being meant to introduce the characters we’d be watching, it really didn’t add much meat to the characters’ bones and though the whole film is designed around comedy it was not hilariously funny – just mildly amusing. Anyway, at the after show party, in a hotel room, a couple appear – Nina (Jackie Maya) and Max Rampage (Bill Victor Arucan) and take Josh off (much to Lauren’s chagrin). It turns out Max (who repeats his name and the company detail over and over, unable to say much else, it seems) is a distributor. Josh drags Ivan in and they sign up to a distribution deal.
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| Steve Larkin as Marco |
So, this take us up to the start of the film and, despite being a hit, they haven’t seen a penny. The rest of the cast and crew think they are dodging them to avoid paying them. Ivan comes up with the idea of going to Max’s mansion and robbing him – Josh tones it down to confronting him and Josh, Ivan, Lauren, Bob, Evan and Jessica aim to go there. However, Marco finds them and takes over, taking a gun into the situation – which might even be threatening, if the household were not all vampires celebrating Christmas Eve!
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| vampires |
So as well as Nina and Max (who is deteriorating in his undeath), there is also the vampire leader – referred to as the Queen but credited as Victoria (Elissa Dowling, the Last Revenants, Dracula in a Women’s Prison, Portraits, Live Evil & Dracula’s Curse), vampire henchmen Torson (Sebastian Bjorn) and Arvid (Lowell Deo), as well as the ancient (and dotty) Grandma (Eileen Dietz, Monsterland & Creepshow 3). Now, as Marco has a tendency to threaten to shoot grandmothers, he does shoot grandma and all Hell breaks loose…
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| dunked in holy water |
Or doesn’t. There is a (literal) dog whistle moment, where the vampires summon Goths from the city to surround the house and prevent escape (an interesting idea that doesn’t work as well as it should have) and the search for the interlopers in the mansion is slow and ponderous. For lore we get that holy water, staking and sunlight all kill (the first causing the vampire to melt to skeleton – for plot convenience – and the other methods having the vampire dust in an unconvincing sfx). Josh and Jessica kill Max in a bath of holy water, a tactic they take from a film plot – in truth they could have just used the Lost Boys as the source and the filmic reference would have worked better. Where does the holy water come from? Jessica is an ordained minister. They then take the fangs and Josh uses them to pretend he is a vampire whilst Jessica sneaks behind the vampire he distracts with a stake. One turned cast member has front fangs for no explored reason when all the vampires have side fangs.
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| Elissa Dowling as the vampire queen |
But the chase is slow, the chase is ponderous and there isn’t much to write home about. The comedy banter doesn’t particularly work well despite some fine individual performances - Eileen Dietz is fab as the foulmouthed grandma, Elissa Dowling oozes class, Calvin Morie McCarthy is all sorts of personable and Steve Larkin really works as Marco and, yet, I still wasn’t wowed. Despite the performances the laughs weren’t as realised as they needed to be, by a long shot, and this was both comedic chops/timing round the cast members but more so the script. There needed to be less of a run-in section (though more characterisation) and more comedy/horror and gore in the last bit. It’s a shame because there is a good film under here waiting to get out. 4 out of 10.
The imdb page is here.
On Demand @ Amazon US
On Demand @ Amazon UK
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