Saturday, December 16, 2017

Short Film: Confessions of a Vampire

As it appears on Amazon Prime, Confessions of a Vampire is allegedly a 2017 film directed by “Old Mill Entertainment”. If that name is familiar they were the company behind the atrocious Ghost bride of Dracula where they took a softcore film and stitched the “story” bits together and added some unconvincing establishment shots.

The difference with this is that the film they have hacked to pieces to make this is a hardcore adult film – in fact there are two films involved but I’ll explain that later. So, the scenes making up this film are from the 2007 Daniel Dakota directed My Girlfriend's a Vampire. There are nonsensical establishing shots of a castle beyond forest and scenes of a POV camera going through said forest, in black and white, non-sensical because the film clearly is set in a city and has establishing shots itself of apartment blocks and a cityscape.

the horror host
After a horror host of sorts (A skeleton with a faux-Lugosi accented dub) introduces the film, and the castle/forest establishing shots already mentioned, we start off with Van (Evan Stone, Haunting Desires & The Lair) and voices in the background. His roommate Donny (Van Damage) comes in wearing a wolfman mask. He is trying to roleplay with a woman but she wants Van gone. Donny give him some money and suggests he goes down the road for a drink, after all it’s Halloween. Once gone the film abruptly cuts away so the resultant sex scene is expunged.

Van and Demonika
Van is in a bar and tries to chat up a woman (Selina Draagen), but she’s a lesbian and blows him off. Another woman approaches him and knows his name (the fact that he looks like a Van is a running gag, apparently). She introduces herself as Demonika Jones (Ava Rose) and takes him back to hers. She sniffs around his neck but realises she really likes him and so sends him away. She goes back to the bar, picks up the lesbian, they get naked, there is an ugly cut (avoiding the sex scene) and she goes to bite her neck.

Wendy, Van and Stan
Van is trying to find out about Demonika and is back at the bar when Wendy (Diana Prince) comes in looking for Demonika and is pointed to Van. She checks his neck and his ass (vampires sometimes bite there rather than the neck) and realises that he is unharmed. Wendy is a witch and she takes him to see Stan the Destroyer (Christian) and we get the arse-about-face lore that you can’t enter a vampire’s home unless invited (or having been there previously). They give him a special dagger to stab her through the heart with but also mention that she must like him and he starts referring to her as his girlfriend thereafter.

having a quick bite
So, will he kill her? It is certain that he’ll sleep with her and that scene will be expunged to try and make a “safe film”. The film is listed on Amazon as being 47 minutes long but all this comes in at under 30 minutes. Back to the skeleton who shows us “another film”. Actually it is a faux trailer (for Easter, the tale of a killer Easter Bunny) and another butchered hardcore film under the title Student Assassin. Both of these come from an adult flick entitled Grindhouse XXX and have no vampiric element.

So, these are scenes cut out from adult movies and the quality is what you would expect. We get a marvellous moment of rubber bat but the film itself is dire – because these were stitching together hardcore sex scenes, not aiming to make an auteur cinema piece.

The butchered version of the film does not have an IMDB page at time of review.


Alex. G said...

Might have to check this one out as part of the research for my next comic book, as this is the type of sleazy b-movies it is going to be a satire of.

Taliesin_ttlg said...

Hi Alex, I hope it inspires and thus does something right :)