I Kissed a Vampire – review

Director: Chris Nolan

Release date: 2012

Contains spoilers

I Kissed a Vampire was based on a short, 3 episode series of the same name that was released on iTunes some time ago. Those initial episodes (or at least the script and songs thereof) made up the beginning of this film with the only real difference that main character Dylan Knight (Lucas Grabeel) was changed into a vampire (or more accurately a half vampire as the film begins) by being bitten by a foreign exchange student (Tahlena Chikami) rather than a bat.

Now, the fact that I know this indicates that I have seen the shorts but you might be aware that I have never reviewed them. I have them but could never summon up the gumption to put finger to keyboard and wax lyrical about them. Why? Probably because of a word that danced its way into the first paragraph… did you notice it? Songs… Yes the shorts were, and this is, a musical and the blurbs try to suggest that this is a vampiric High School Musical… honestly, I wouldn’t know if that is accurate or not.

Dylan bitten

As it is, the plot for this is wafer thin. Dylan has been bitten and the anti-blood lust pills he ordered from the internet don’t seem to be working, especially around Sara (Adrian Slade). She’s the girl next door and his best friend… not quite significant other but they were almost there before each near miss kiss was deflected towards her neck. This is causing a strain, obviously, which tends to emerge in song.

Drew Seeley as Trey Sylvanie

Into Dylan’s life comes full vampire Trey Sylvanie (Drew Seeley) – yes it’s a pun a minute in this film – and he is not a very nice vampire, liking the corruption of innocence too much. He offers to take Dylan under his wing but when Dylan stops himself with Sara one more time, a Sara that Trey had eye mojo’d already, Trey bites her. The trouble is that she is turning into a full vampire much more quickly than Dylan. This is because Trey’s vampire DNA is that much stronger than Dylan’s sire. Also, Trey has a harem of vampire gals and a place amongst them is reserved for Sara.

Dylan and Sara

Dylan and Sara go to see Dr Dan the poison man, also known as Dan Helsing (Chris Coppola). He was the one who made the anti-bloodsucking pills that didn’t work but he reckons he can make a cure – however he’ll need some of Trey’s DNA – so it is a trip to Trey’s castle (which may or may not have been in the underworld). Temptation is all around the two young friends… will they find a cure…

Sara vamps

And could we overly care? Well that is a little harsh but the characters are as thin as the plot and, whilst the acting isn’t dreadful it isn’t Oscar winning either. The vampirism lore is all over the place. You are turned with a bite but the turn takes time (and the length varies). Vampires can eye mojo victims, Trey mentions that sunlight will kill them but there isn’t actually any more evidence of that. They can teleport themselves but there is little else to say lore wise.

dancing vampires

As for the songs… bland pop ditties… okay probably I am not the person to ask about such tunes (he says listening to Fields of the Nephilim as he puts the post up) but they seemed throwaway. Next to the tracks composed for the Buffy musical episode Once More with Feeling there is no real comparison. The Buffy tracks were witty, amusing and catchy… these were teen pop. Which brings us to the question of was it any good…

From the rest of the review it is clear I was very underwhelmed but I got the real sense that if you were a young person, probably just pre-teen, who liked stuff like High School Musical you’d get a lot out of it probably. For adults, well it was low budget but it wasn’t offensive, just bland . 3 out of 10 as I am far too old to appreciate it.

The imdb page is here.