Twixt – review

Director: Francis Ford Coppola

Release date: 2012

Contains spoilers

Twixt has received an awfully large amount of bad press. The film from the director of Dracula (1992) has been fairly savaged by critics and fans alike. Perhaps this is why, having watched the film once – and really enjoying it – I immediately watched the film a second time to see if it withstood further scrutiny, to see whether it was a low expectation on my part that boosted the film in my eyes. As far as I can tell it wasn’t.

However, it is not a horror movie and, perhaps, that is where people have turned against it. It is certainly gothic but with an almost David Lynch attitude. It is a slice of American Gothic, but one which remembers that the true Gothic piece looks inward. It plays with time, in a way that only dreams can do. It openly uses vampires as metaphor – and perhaps this puts many a viewer off. It explores the creative process and this is fitting as Coppola has said that he came up with the concept within an alcohol induced sleep, a concept that had no ending when he dreamt it. The film depicts, therefore, the search by the artist for the film.

the clock tower

We begin in a small town and the narration of Tom Waits (Dracula 1992) introduces us to this world. The town is small but attracts runaways, the dispossessed and those who just want to lose themselves. The local sheriff, Bobby LaGrange (Bruce Dern), is mentioned; a man who likes to woodwork (he builds bat houses). Dominating the town is a clock tower, seven clock faces all tell different times and some say the belfry is the home to evil. The town has a past, a terrible murder took place there in the 1950s, a dozen children killed. Over the lake a camp has emerged, young people there (Gothic in dress) are said, by townsfolk, to be evil, Satanic – especially their leader Flamingo (Alden Ehrenreich).

Val Kilmer as Hall

Into the town comes Hall Baltimore (Val Kilmer), a writer of witch related horror novels on a signing tour. He can’t find the bookstore but then realises that books are sold in the hardware store and so he sits, alone, calling out to the occasional shopper – none of whom seem interested. Then Bobby LaGrange comes over. He knows of Hall but does ask how it feels to be the Bargain Basement Stephen King. He asks if Hall will read some of his stuff and then mentions the mass murder. Hall is ready to get out of Dodge but Bobby insists he comes to the morgue to see a “doozy” he has there.

the murder victim, staked

The morgue is less attached to and more part of the small sheriff’s office and Bobby has Deputy Arbus (Bruce A. Miroglio) wheel the corpse out. We see the body covered in a sheet and a large stake emerging from her chest, when Bobby goes to reveal her face Hall stops him. Bobby suggests there is a story in the murder, probably about a serial killer, and they should collaborate on it. Hall is not interested. He goes to have his thermos filled with coffee and discovers that Edgar Allan Poe (Ben Chaplin) once stayed in the town. He goes to the old Chickering hotel, where he stayed, and we recognise the derelict hotel as the place where the killings took place. Hall takes a swig of whiskey and then pours the rest of the bottle over the sign to Poe – an invocation of sorts.

arguing with Denise

Hall gets a motel and, as he unpacks, we begin to see a little of his life. He has a first edition paperback of his first novel signed to his daughter, Vicky (Fiona Medaris), and, as the film moves on, we realise that she died and it was from there that his career perhaps took its turn for the worst. He has a skype conversation with his wife Denise (Joanne Whalley). The conversation begins with him saying he wants to write something for himself but, as it progresses into an argument, we discover that he can’t get an advance for his next book as he has refused to write another witch novel and she desperately needs the money for bills.

Elle Fanning as V

Hall slams the laptop lid down and reaches for the bottle; the bell tower rings and we see the world shift. Hall goes for a walk, swings seem to move of their own accord. He takes a fork in the road and, as an owl screeches, he passes a brick vault. A girl (Elle Fanning) walks besides him. She is concerned about her buck teeth, though Hall says her teeth are fine (though the braces maybe not so). She says that all the kids call her Vampira on account of them but he can call her V. When he asks her real name she says Virginia. She knows his work and he mentions that the clock tower keeps ringing. It is impossible, she says, to keep time straight there. They reach a restored Chickering hotel but she won’t enter.

Ben Chaplin as Poe

He does and gets a drink. He notices a rectangular patch in the floor and he is told that he has found the grave and that twelve children are buried below the floor. The woman in the hotel grabs V, who is hanging around near the door. The young girl bites the woman to escape. Hall chases after her and then sees the rectangle open and children emerging with a man, Pastor Allan Floyd (Anthony Fusco). They are playing in front of the hotel but when the Pastor sees V he becomes agitated. As he leads them back to their grave, V leads Hall away. He stumbles as he crosses a bridge and is picked up by Poe whom Hall asks to show him the way.

a model execution machine

He awakens with Denise shouting to him through the laptop. When he looks at the screen she is holding his first edition of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass. She has had it valued (though he says it is priceless) and will sell it if he doesn’t get another advance. I am sure that Coppola will have known the connection between Whitman and Stoker but Leaves of Grass was a pun title in itself grass being a name used by publishers for works of minor value (and leaves being the pages of the books) and so it sums up Hall’s career at that point. In desperation he returns to find Bobby and agrees to collaborate on a book, which LeGrange had suggested should be called the vampire executioner. He has even built a model of an execution device for vampires that he shows Hall, inspired by the fact that the stake in the girl seemed to have been pushed in by a device. It is during this conversation that Hall suggests that, whilst he normally writes about witches, a vampire is nothing “but a witch who sucks blood?” Hall contacts Sam (David Paymer), his publisher, and convinces him to wire an advance to Denise but Sam demands a bullet-proof ending and Hall hasn’t got any ending yet.

Alden Ehrenreich as Flamingo

The film goes on to merge the present and the past. The murder of the girl and the murder of the children become conflated as V becomes the image of a girl hunted by the Pastor as she tries to save the children from him – he kills them because he thinks the folk by the lake are vampires and so, by killing them, he is saving their souls. The folk, of course, are in our time and V is also the image of the girl in the morgue. In Hall’s dream state we see Flamingo rescue the 1950’s V and bite her before the pastor kidnaps her and bricks her up in the vault. When a waking Hall visits Flamingo and his group the young man is reciting Baudelaire. Baudelaire is associated with Poe through his love of Poe’s work and also wrote some vampire related poetry, most famously Le Vampire in the work Fleurs du Mal. Bobby claims that Flamingo is a vampire.

remove the stake...

Poe becomes Hall’s guide and explains how it was his (wife and cousin) Virginia who became, in death, his muse and that he wrote about the death of beauty, but Hall has his own demons to face in the form of Vicky and the guilt he feels over her death. She is his Virginia. There seems to be more than just dreams going on as, for instance, he sees the grave in the Chickering Hotel in a dream, enters the derelict building thereafter and finds the grave in reality. Of course there is also the little matter of the murdered girl as well and the question of what will happen if the stake is removed?

Hall and V

The first thing to state is just how much I loved the look of the film. The dreamtime shots were astounding, with their muted colours and ethereal figures. I have tried not to spoil the plot but, to be totally honest, it is difficult to explain the film without spoiling it a little as the plot is so tied up in the merging of reality and dreams and the displacement of time. The vampires are fantastic. There is clearly someone who believes in vampires enough to stake a girl, there are vampires which become metaphors for Hall, vampirism is used as a scapegoat for those things we fear because we don’t understand and perhaps they are real in some small way.

Flamingo bites V

Who or what is V. Hall mentions witchcraft but he is a man who made his career on witches. In some respects she is a (vampiric) ghost looking for peace. Is she the girl recently murdered or the child walled up by the pastor? Ultimately she is both as she, as we meet her, is a product of Hall’s inner mind and in a dream such duality is perfectly acceptable. She also represents Poe’s Virginia and becomes conflated with Vicky in Hall’s mind.

fangs

The performance by Val Kilmer is excellent. He is jaded, lost, a man who can’t work past an event, a trauma, to continue with his life but a man on the cusp of a moment of self-enlightenment. Equally Ben Chaplin is fantastic as Poe, enigmatically matter of fact he leads the writer (and the director in some respects) to their ending. I have heard complaints about a lack of ending (and, as mentioned, Coppola initially didn’t have one) but the ending provided is almost inevitable given the journey we took and indeed it is the journey that proves the most valuable part of the exploration. Elle Fanning is fantastically ethereal as V.

I really did enjoy this, as you can probably tell by the length of this review, 8 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

The review was based on the German DVD release; Twixt: Virginias Geheimnis.

Honourable Mention: Daffy Duck’s Quackbusters

This was a Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies portmanteau compilation from 1988, with some original cartoons including the wraparound and some classic cartoons (with a few lines altered to fit in with the premise). According to the Wikipedia page it was the last Loony Tunes project to see Mel Blanc (Galaxy Goof-Ups: Vampire of Space, The Flintstones Meet Rockula and Frankenstone, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century: Space Vampire & The Munsters) provide the voices of the characters.

in the cabaret bar

Before the main Quackbusters cartoon there is an unconnected cartoon starring Daffy (Mel Blanc) called “Night of the Living Duck”, which neatly ties in genre fandom by having Daffy – a sci-fi and horror geek, reading comics, looking for a copy of the next edition and (after a bang on the head) dreaming of being the star of the show at a monster cabaret bar. Worth mentioning because of the poster in his room of Dracula as well as several vampire characters in the audience, both a Dracula-esque vampire with two vampire brides and a similar male vampire sat on his own. The main monster focus is a Godzilla type creature.

vampire teeth

In the main feature Daffy is a failed salesman whose last ditch business venture is selling novelty joke props out of a suitcase. He notices a news report that suggests the billionaire J.P. Cubish (Mel Blanc) is dying and has offered a million dollars to anyone who can make him laugh before he dies. Daffy, having eventually got past the butler (Mel Blanc) does indeed make him laugh and suffers weeks of having pies thrown in his face until Cubish dies leaving his entire fortune to Daffy. The proviso is that he must be honest in business affairs and serve the community.

from Transylvania 6-5000

This isn’t likely to happen but Cunish’s ghost keeps making money vanish until he agrees. His idea, however, is to become a paranormalist in order that he might rid the world of ghosts (like Cubish). To that end he hires a reluctant Bugs Bunny (Mel Blanc) and an eager Porky Pig (Mel Blanc) (who has Sylvester (Mel Blanc) with him). This provides the wraparound for the horror themed cartoons. Though vampires are mentioned quite often (including Daffy wearing vampire teeth to test the mettle of his employees) the only actual encounter is the old classic Transylvania 6-5000, which has been the focus of a previous honourable mention.

The imdb page is here.

Epilogue – review

Story: Steve Niles

Art: Kyle Hotz

First published: 2009

Contains spoilers

The Blurb: What if the thing that gave you your greatest power was your greatest enemy? Writer Steve Niles (30 Days of Night) and artist Kyle Holtz (Man-Thing) present an all-new series featuring the ultimate avenger/outsider. Filled with bloody action and underworld intrigue, Epilogue is the tale of an ordinary man whose desperate need for vengeance transforms him into a supernatural force for justice!

The Review: Epilogue was a four issue mini-series by Steve Niles and follows an unnamed (until the second to last panel) vampire who has turned masked vigilante. The why’s and wherefores… well he is an accidental turn after a group of vampires attacked and killed his wife and kids. He was attacked but, in the struggle, fell over a cliff edge without being ripped apart and decapitated.

The turning process was interesting. Cops find the bodies of his family and he is up and moving, resistant to gunfire. There is a story gap in respect of what happened with the cops but he later tells us that he then had to let his body die (and partially rot) and wait to be able to move again. One assumes that, given the prevalence of it in the story, decapitation prevents turning. He tried feeding on animal blood and it left him weak and so he feeds on humans but targets criminals (though in this everything may not be as black and white as he firsts thinks). Indeed he is cutting a bloody swathe through the underworld, leaving behind decapitated corpses and very much on the cops’ radar.

There is one detective he has been calling, telling her that he is on their side but news of his exploits reaches Europe and there are certain vampires that do not like what he is doing. The lore has the vampires displaying massively impressive regeneration. Animal blood leaves him weak, as I said, stored blood is okay but only fresh blood will really do. He operates at night and we see him burying himself to avoid sunlight. Decapitation kills a vampire (it was also hinted that heart trauma may do it). He reflects in a mirror but doesn’t show up on film.

The idea created an almost Crow-like anti-hero, but one with special powers (beyond immortality). The artwork worked well and the story was incredibly bloody. The story is fairly simple and I would see it more as a building block that could create quite a complex story over several trade paperbacks – but I think the series ended with this one.

Not bad at all but, more, the potential is there to create something great. 6.5 out of 10.

Happy Crapbatmas

Yes, the seasonal holiday has a new name and, best of all, this isn’t some madness invented just by me, the picture you see is of a card sent to me. My thanks to Paul and Teresa for the card, the concept, the crap bat that came with it and the sentiment. I wish you both the best.

I also want to offer best wishes to all my family, friends, old and new, real and ‘virtual’ (that reads awful but I mean, of course, those who I have met in person and those who I know via the net). A special best wishes to Gabe a ‘virtual’ friend who, through the power of Whitby (and an aeroplane), I met this year.

Best wishes, of course, to all the blog readers and commentators, I appreciate each and every one of you and special mention to the folks on the Medacs Helpline who, I understand, follow the blog religiously.

I’ll leave you with a joke, facebooked to me by Ian. It is awful but he suggested I post it and pointed out that it is silly season so just think of it as the gag out of a virtual Crapbatmas Cracker (and normal programming will resume tomorrow, I promise).

Q What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A Frostbite.

La Endemoniada – review

Director: Emilio Gómez Muriel

Release date: 1968

Contains spoilers

This is an obscure Mexican release that, owes a large debt to one of the classic vampire films as well as having traits in common with other flicks. All vampire films borrow themes and tropes to one level or another of course; this is unusual, however, in that it takes rather obscure elements.

If I am going to be fair, beyond the large debt mentioned, the other tropes may have be coincidences. What are these elements, you ask, and what films do they borrow from? I’ll reveal all when we get to them within the review.

Gonzalo and Fausta

We begin in a castle and a man, Gonzalo del Benetto (Enrique Rocha), and masked woman, Princess Fausta de Santillán (Libertad Leblanc), step from behind a curtain and look down at a (rather tame) orgy that is going on below their position. She points at a young man, distinctive in that he has kissed two women rather than just one. Gonzalo heads down the stairs and throws everyone out (bar the young man). Fausta approaches him.

reacting to the unseen bat

He is a little reticent, what with Gonzalo standing there, but Fausta tells him that her servant will leave. The young man turns to look at Gonzalo but he has vanished. He is confused and rushes to the door. In a moment of truly cheap crap bat-ness we get the sound of flapping whilst the camera looks at a reaction shot from the young man – no rubber bat (or even shadow) in sight. It is him, he says and then tells Fausta that Gonzalo is said to be a vampire. She distracts him with sex.

mask of Satan

At the end of their tryst she reaches for a dagger and stabs him. Just then a man (I’m not sure who he was, there was a suggestion of him being her husband but, if so, it was her second husband) runs in and threatens her with the holy office. Fausta ends up chained up in the basement. The Grand Inquisitor is there and tells her that she will be walled up so that her evil spirit cannot escape (go with it), her necklace is ripped away (the sign of nobility, which an unseen Gonzalo picks up) and an executioner kills her with a mask of Satan (spikes on the inside). The big borrow is here then, in the form of a woman killed with a mask of Satan, who will come back and try to body snatch (we’ll get to that) an identical woman with the help of her vampire lover/servant; a plot lifted straight out of Bava’s Black Sunday.

Bertha Moss as the Matriarch

Cut forward 400 years and a storm lashes a condo. Inside a family ‘celebrate’ New Year there is the miserly matriarch (Bertha Moss, Bloody Vampire & Invasion of the Vampires) and with her, her daughter Berta (Adriana Roel), Berta’s husband Pablo (Rogelio Guerra) and their daughter Martita. Also there is the matriarch’s son Marcos (Arturo Martínez) and his wife Lucia (also Libertad Leblanc). They await their friend Ricardo (Carlos Cortés) – though he is actually Lucia’s friend and Marco is jealous of him. Suddenly there is a power cut.

meeting the vampire

There is a knock at the door and Gonzalo is there, claiming to be the new neighbour – having bought the Santillán property. He asks to be invited in and the lights come back on as he crosses the threshold. Martita notes that he is dry, but he says he arrived by car. This mystery is compounded when Ricardo arrives, soaked. He has a tale of lightning hitting the freeway and his (and every other) car stalling and not restarting. He had to walk to the house. The idea of electrics failing, especially in respect of cars, around vampiric activity was previously explored in Cave of the Living Dead.

bitten

After Gonzalo leaves, the family find that they can’t remember his name. He goes back to the house and a woman awaits him. She has answered his advert (remember this) for a beautiful young woman from the Capital, without family ties, to come and be his secretary for an exorbitant salary. Of course she is chow. The next day Lucia claims she has had a call from Gonzalo inviting her to the house (which she has always been fascinated with). She goes, even though it is almost dark. We see Gonzalo’s stone coffin opening as he rises – but how did he call her, did he have a phone in the coffin or was it psychic? The film refuses to illuminate. He has a quick chat to Fausta’s corpse.

Libertad Leblanc as Lucia

Lucia arrives and he welcomes her to his home and his time (this is important). There is a portrait of Fausta and he says that the artist was said to be a warlock who captured the subject’s soul in the canvas (this is important). He places the necklace on Lucia and gives her a drink. She falls into a trance and Fausta appears, wearing identical clothes. Fausta finishes the drink and Gonzalo places the necklace on Fausta before awakening Lucia and leading her out. Over the next year Fausta attempts to destroy the family and pretty much succeeds.

serial killer and the vampire

Now the film is also known as “A Woman Possessed” and so you would guess possession. Not so, at least not entirely. Gonzalo and Ricardo explain what has happened in their dialogues but it still is a muggy concept. The year is a “Black Year” and this has allowed Gonzalo to return from the dead and perform a ritual to bring Fausta’s spirit back. How the vampire died is never tackled, nor is how he placed an advert in the paper before he was brought back. The ‘Black Year’ has also restored the castle to its formal glory – hence welcome to my time – and later we see it in its corrupt state. Restored buildings are a common ghost/vampiric ghost trope and appear in films such as Castle of Blood. However, Fausta does not appear to be vampiric – just a serial killer with a vampire lover.

fangs on show

It is explained that this is a case of bilocation, where a body is inhabited by two spirits causing an almost Jekyll and Hyde personality split. Except we see the two women acting in different locations at the same time. This is then explained, in a paranormal version of technobabble, as dual ubiquity – so that the two can be separate and yet both physical. However, when Fausta is burnt and Lucia feels it and gains burns to her arms, it is explained it is because Fausta is spirit (rather than physical) and Lucia is physical.

the portrait

Sometimes they wear identical clothes, sometimes different clothes - though Fausta always has the necklace on so we can tell the difference. The (at first botched) murder of Marco is identical - a failed stabbing and then strangulation (or smothering with a pillow) - as the murder of Fausta's first husband, and it is suggested that the present has to mirror the past, but other murders are for gain or for fun and the past isn't referred to. To make matters more Perplexing, remember the portrait... well it appears that damaging that will damage Fausta, so perhaps it contained her spirit - the one trapped with her corpse by walling her in. It is all a tad confused.

staked

As for the vampire, he can mesmerise with his eyes, he can turn into a bat, he drinks blood, he has to be invited in and he is killed by staking. In this case an iron poker rather than wooden stake is used.

All in all the film is confused. They could have straightened out the lore and got on with it but never did. The acting has no particularly stand-out performances but nothing that stinks either. Yet it is a fairly early Mexican vampire movie and that is worth something – if you can track it down, as it is rather obscure.

4 out of 10 is probably generous.

The imdb page is here.

Werewolf: The Beast Among Us – review

Director: Louis Morneau


Release date: 2012


Contains spoilers


My friend Gabriel told me about this film and suggested that it might qualify as an honourable mention due to the brief appearance of a vampire. In actuality the character revealed to be a vampire is in the film throughout and so, whether we know it or not, a vampire plays a large role in this and thus it gets a review. I am also going to spoil the vampire related reveal – sorry.

flame-thrower

The film itself carried an air of a SyFy original but it is actually a Univeral 1440 – the home entertainment wing of the more famous film studio. Of course this gives it a certain pedigree and when one thinks of the setting, and how to explain it, I guess we could say it is in a similar universe to that of Van Helsing set in a not quite steampunk era, a Victoriana where hunters have flame-throwers and Gatling guns.

Rd Quinn as Charles

After seeing the slaughter of a mother and father and the killing of the wolf by son Charles (played as a child by Stefan Iancu and as an adult by Ed Quinn, True Blood season 2) we cut forward in time and he is part of a group of elite werewolf hunters. They hear tell of a village under attack by a werewolf of unusual properties. Firstly the wolf transforms over the three nights of full moon rather than just the main night. As they hunt it they discover that it displays intelligence, seems to hunt evil men and the gypsies nearby warn that if it is not slain by the solstice moon it will develop the ability to turn at will.

Stephen Rea as Doc

A young man named Daniel (Guy Wilson) lives in the village and works with Doc (Stephen Rea, Interview with the Vampire & Underworld Awakening), the town doctor, whilst waiting to get into medical school. He has studied the victim’s corpses, been involved in euthanasia of the bitten (there seems to be a revenant/returning dead aspect to the curse as well – needing head shots and flame throwers to dispose of, but I couldn’t catch the word they used to describe them.) And you know what, that’s all I intend to tell you about the werewolf story. Rather let us look at the vampire…

Adam Croasdell as Stefan 

There is a character who wears a set of silver fangs when hunting werewolves but (as well as seeming an unconvincing and inadequate hunting weapon) he is not our vampire. That honour falls to a suave, if somewhat creepy, hunter called Stefan (Adam Croasdell). His nature is not revealed until the end of the film, though he is involved in some acrobatics that, with hindsight, might have hinted. Sunlight doesn’t bother him, nor are animals afraid of him it seems. Like the werewolf he gains power on solstice night.

showing fangs

He reveals that he has been hunting vampires for 100 years (and it is also hinted that Charles knows of his nature). His interest in Daniel’s love Eva (Rachel DiPillo) takes a more sinister twist (rather than just creepy) when we realise what he is. Impalement through the heart is the only way to kill a vampire and that is about all we get. However he is a constant character through the film and the ‘twist’ feels natural enough rather than a Deus ex Machina.

staked

The film itself isn’t too bad. The effects are okay, there are plenty of mutilated bodies as this beast does kill and kills often – though it is primarily aftermath we see. Ed Quinn exudes cool as Charles, Adam Croasdell is clearly having great fun as Stefan and Stephen Rea is always a joy. But… all that said it does have that SyFy feal I mentioned, a cheapening of the whole affair. The technology idiosyncraities I could definitely live with and, overall, I found it above average… it was just… that feel of SyFy managing to leave an unfortunate trace of a bad after-taste in the mouth.

5.5 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.

On DVD @ Amazon US

On DVD @ Amazon UK

30 Days of Night: 30 days ‘til Death – review

Story and art: David Lapham

First Published: 2009

Contains spoilers

The Blurb: In 30 Days 'til Death, the horrible events of Barrow have rippled throughout the world. A war has started in the secret society of vampires. A reaping. A death squad of elders has come to America to "thin the heard" of the troublesome new breed. Rufus doesn't care about anything but his own survival and he's willing to do anything to ensure it, including getting a dog, and a girlfriend, pretending to like his neighbors, and going to extreme lengths to hide his insatiable craving for blood...

The Review: It’s been a little while since we looked at a piece of the 30 Days franchise and this was a nice, simple story that did what some of the franchise misses out on and ensured that there was good characterisation.

The story sees the European elders of the vampire nation deciding to wipe out the brash American vampires who led to the barely contained exposure of vampires to the world. It concentrates on a particular vampire called Rufus who hides in plain sight, trying to control his desperate urges and lead a normal looking life.

To this end he even abducts a junky and detoxes her, persuading her to act as his girlfriend. However, when one of his old friends comes looking for “Mad Dog”, as Rufus was once known, with the survivors of a death squad attack, his world starts to unravel and the death squad isn’t far behind.

As I say, the story was fairly simple but the characterisation was excellent – especially compared to some volumes in the franchise. As well as writing the story, David Lapham was primary artist and whilst it worked I have to admit that I missed the stylised art of Templesmith. That said, it didn’t detract from the experience, which was positive. 7 out of 10.

Marty Jenkins and the Vampire Bitches – review

Director: Henrique Couto

Release date: 2006

Contains spoilers

Just to show that a film needs neither a sophisticated title nor a budget to surprise you, we have for your delectation Marty Jenkins and the Vampire Bitches.

Now, before you get too excited, bear in mind that it is incredibly low budget and indie. As a result it has flaws and problems that would have been polished out had it carried a more ‘respectable’ pedigree. That said this vampire comedy made me chuckle, groan and was, at the very least, engaging.

Shawn A Green as Marty

It begins in 1978 with a home birth. As Mrs Jenkins (Natalie Cardona) swears like a trooper and Mr Jenkins (Andrew N. Shearer) runs around in a panic, two hippy midwives (Kitty Juggler and Sydney Murphy) faff about. The birth of the child leads Mr Jenkins to exclaim about his ugliness (indeed, later in the film we hear Mr Jenkins claim that his wife died in childbirth, when she actually ran off with a man who didn’t hit her when Marty (Shawn A. Green) was three). This all goes to show that the large built but nerdy Marty has, from birth, had it pretty tough.

the vampire bitches

Said toughness continues when he goes to see Sandy (Lisa Clarke), his girlfriend, who dumps him and tells him that she has a date (Jeff McClellan) already. When she calls out to him, as he goes back to his car, hope wells but he receives his bouquet of flowers in the mush. A cry at home and it is off to the video store in which he works – to be leapt at by Tyler (Henrique Couto), his best friend. Then three woman – Tammy (Michelle McLaughlin), Ginger (Plexi Starr) and Ruby (Katie Pendleton) – walk into the store.

fangs

We met them outside, in the scene before, and so know that they are the vampire bitches of the title. Newly arrived in town and ready to “nosh”. There is debate as to whether this will be a snack or an annual feed (this isn’t expanded on) and they are weak at the time they arrive. They scope the place out and rent some DVDs but decide to feed and recruit. Sandy’s date is lunch and Sandy is the new recruit. Later, as we see a turn, it appears that the throwing up of one’s innards is involved – hence the suggestion that a tarp is put down when they get Sandy back to their lair.

Nic Pesante as Deacon Sloan

Their attention is then turned to both Tyler (who is turned) and Marty. Elsewhere the vampire hunter Deacon Sloan (Nic Pesante, A Feast of Flesh) faces a coven of bitches (and one queen) led by the vampire Stephanie (Amy Lynn Best, also A Feast of Flesh). This was one of my favourite bits of the film with Stephanie ordering the vampires to attack one at a time, bad techno soundtrack (actually put on for the hunter by the vampires) and terrible one liners (I’ve just raised the stakes, quips the vampire hunter). Unfortunately Deacon is to die, run down by Marty in the most purposefully unconvincing car accident ever, and with his dying breath he sends Marty to Hummer (Bob Hinton) so that he can complete his mission. Deacon, Hummer, bad techno – did you get the Blade references?

vanishing from the mirror

As for the vampires they are your atypical creatures of the night. Sunlight burns, crosses ward and their reflections vanish from mirrors (after going thin and wan). A stake to the heart will kill, garlic burns and they have telepathic powers. They turn into absolutely crap bats, matted onto the screen in bad cgi. Tammy, the vampire leader, has a medalian that lends her additional power.

warding with the cross

The film is cheap but they do try to do some interesting things with coloured lighting (and such lighting is mentioned by a film geek). The effects are generally a bit rubbish, but it is clear they knew this and thus it becomes part of the joke. The dialogue isn’t too bad, it could have done with polishing, sometimes the script veered off too far from the beaten track for its own good and some of the acting is average at best but it is with other performances that this low budget comedy truly raises its stakes (sorry, the pun stuck).

Michelle McLaughlin as Tammy

Shawn A. Green is entirely natural and endows Marty with pathos and general niceness, indeed you can’t help but like the character and this is half the battle as he is the focal point. In turn Michelle McLaughlin has some great moments with maniacal laughter. It isn’t Oscar material but it doesn’t have to be, especially as all the actresses playing the vampire bitches are clearly having a whale of a time.

The ending eschews saccharine, which is no bad thing, and I generally liked this movie. It raised itself above its budget and indie roots and made it worth catching. 5 out of 10.

The imdb page is here. You can get the film from Freak Productions or digitally from Amazon:

Vampire Tales – volume 1 – review

Author: Various

Artist: Various

First Published: 2010 (this format)

Contains spoilers

The Blurb: Morbius the living vampire and Satana the Devil’s daughter!

The reluctant revenant and the sinister succubus – two of Marvel’s most preternatural protagonists – go up against demons, cults and mortals even more monstrous than themselves! Featuring black-and-white horror tales from the 1970s horror boom and some of the genre’s greatest talents, collected for the first time! Plus: adaptations of classic terror tales from literature!

The review: Vampire Tales first appeared in 1973 and was more a zine than a comic book, with articles as well as short comic tales – some standalone and some revisited each issue. This small, digest sized volume contains a full reprint of issues 1-3.

The articles are a little bit cheesy but they are often amusing. There is a split (running over 5 issues) look at Summer’s The Vampire; his Kith and Kin and I was amused by the article listing some of the worst vampire films ever (though some doozies had yet to be filmed in 1973, obviously, and so are not listed).

However, like me, you are probably more interested in the comic strips. As I suggested, some (like Marvel mainstay Morbius) have an on-running story – in the case of Morbius a battle with the Demon-Fire cult. Morbius himself is an interesting character, his vampirism was created by science (as he tried to cure himself of a blood disease, in Spider-man) and he is conflicted, haunted by the deeds his hunger forces upon him.

The other on-running story is that of Satana. More energy vampire or succubus than blood-sucking vampire I was interested to note that she also ate the souls of her victims – that took the form of butterflies or moths.

The first issue has Marvel’s retelling of Polidori’s the Vampyre: a Tale and a personal favourite story was an adaptation of August Derleth’s Bat’s Belfry. There were one or two stories that went off track into demon or werewolf territory, which seemed a shame as I am sure there was plenty of vampire material available.

There is no mistaking the fact that the artwork is 1970s and is lovely for it and the reprint is just that, no colourisation has been entered into. All in all a great trip back into comic history. 8 out of 10.

Vampire Blues – review

Director: Jess Franco

Release date: 1999

Contains spoilers

Now, I am not quite up to date with my Jess Franco reviews but I really did have to gird my loins (if that isn’t an unfortunate phrase when connected with this sub-art house, sub-porn offering) before I tackled the review of Vampire Blues.

You see it really is that bad, shot on a cheap camera in Malaga and then drowned in visual effects that were cheap and just did not work this really was Franco at his worst. The flimsiest of stories, no dialogue worth writing home about and softcore porn scenes that were neither erotic nor titillating particularly, it was a big old mess. But on with the story (or what there is of it)

Rachel Shepard as Rachel

Rachel Crosby (played by Rachel Sheppard, voiced by Jessica Luo) is on vacation in Spain. She spends her day taking photos, lying topless on the beach and walking round the town taking more photos. Whilst she lies on the beach lounger the “fairground music” is broken with a discordant guitar and a flash of a vampire’s face. The vampire is credited as Countess Irina von Murnau (played by Analía Ivars and voiced by Leyora Zuberman).

cocked up quote

We see a detail of the face again with a quote “Be careful you, lonely people are the best prey for the searchers of blood.” It is attributed to Sheridan Le Fanu but it is from no Le Fanu work that I am aware of (as always, with a statement like that, I stand to be corrected). Countess Irina observes the girl from some trees and growls (in a barely distinguishable voice) something about obsession, blood and death.

Lawd help us

That night, as the girl sleeps, the Countess dances to a blues guitar song whilst shot through a glass vase. As things drag out intolerably a second version of her appears and the soundtrack melts into mild jazz as some imagery appears (later shown to be a picture in her rooms) that is clearly yonic by design, and the second Irina dances close to the camera, showing only her genitalia. I was far from aroused. Rachel wakes and asks who is there?

The next day she does the same thing as the day before but goes into a beach-front shop. She is looking at hats but the shopkeeper (Jess Franco) points out a t-shirt with Irina on it. He says it was made especially for her and she buys it, goes to the beach and falls asleep clutching it. When she awakens she is drawn to a house; the vampire is in it and the t-shirt has no picture. Eventually she ends up writhing on the bed with the vampire who eventually bites her.

bad effects over gypsy

The only other thing to really mention story wise is Rachel going to a mystic show and Marga the Gipsy (Lina Romay) recognises the girl, knows her name and the danger she is in and sets about trying to save her. How does she do this? Slowly, with little dialogue and by handing the girl to the vampire. However before she does hand the girl over, we see her preparing a dildo… ah… we can at least see the thought behind the ‘story’ yonic symbolism versus phallus.

blood at mouth

I have to mention the fact that they get to the vampire’s house and call out to the creature of the night but there is no response for approximately five minutes. The vampire is too busy masturbating and we are ‘treated’ to this, with so much post production effect over the imagery that the only thing clearly on screen is a puckered anus… in any sense of the word this film is a front runner for the prize of being the epitome of bad film-making  Vampire is killed by phallus (and, sorry Jess, but that isn’t the first time that has happened – see The Case of the Smiling Stiffs), victim wakes up but the vampire on the t-shirt is now her… yawn.

I think (or hope) I have expressed, through the review, how poor this film is. One of Franco’s worst 0.5 out of 10.

The imdb page is here.